Wondering how to get into the groove of appreciation? Here are the seven strategies I call the Appreciation A-B-Cs to get you off to a great start. Each of these strategies is simple and effective, whether youre in a relationship or not.
Appreciation A-B-Cs
1. Keep Your Appreciation Simple.
Your verbal statements of appreciation to another dont have to be fancy or long. Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, renowned psychotherapists who advocate appreciation as a way to create lasting relations, recommend keeping it within the length of time for one out-breath. Try a simple I appreciate you for to get you started.
2. Speak from Your Heart, not Your Head.
Dont think too much! Your most effective guide is your heart, not your head. Take a moment to breathe, visualize your heart and let the words flow from there.
3. Keep It Up.
Expressing appreciation on a regular basis is more effective than going on a binge one day and then dropping into radio silence for the next two weeks. Set some simple goals like expressing one heart-felt appreciation to your partner each day. One woman credited starting daily appreciations with reviving a flagging marriage! If you are single, give yourself that yummy appreciation or call a friend and express your appreciation for that friendship. Giving and receiving appreciation may feel awkward initially, just like a muscle that hasnt been called upon for a while. Simply keep up your efforts and soon itll become a natural and effortless habit.
4. Cover All the Bases
Once you start looking, there are so many things you will realize you appreciate in the people in your life! Look at what they do; how they communicate; how they look; how you relate to each other. Look for things to appreciate and youll start to find them.
5. Dont Let Just Words Do the Talking
Appreciation doesnt always need to be verbal. Play with nonverbal appreciation as well, such as leaving unexpected notes in lunch bags or briefcases, flowers, extra hugs or strokes, delicious eye contact, and other small acts of kindness.
6. Who to Appreciate.
Loved ones, family and friends are clear candidates for receiving appreciation. How about your co-workers or employees? Why not expand your horizons to include your hairdresser or the check-out clerk at the grocery store? Appreciate your home, the city you live in or your health. Expanding your list of who and what you appreciate will help you to live in an attitude of gratitude which will help you keep centered and open, better able to take on any challenges that might still be in front of you.
7. Appreciate Yourself
Do you ever find yourself in need of appreciation? I always encourage my clients to start by appreciating themselves first. Its amazing what wonders doing 10 written self-appreciations every day can do for your spirit!
Success Strategist, coach and best-selling author, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the founder of ThriveAfterDivorce.com, created for divorced people who want to stop struggling and start thriving. To get free tips on every aspect of living through a divorce, from legal issues to single parenting to getting back into the dating world, visit www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com.
Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/relat ionships-articles/appreciation-abcs-9960 59.
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Appreciation A-B-Cs
1. Keep Your Appreciation Simple.
Your verbal statements of appreciation to another dont have to be fancy or long. Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, renowned psychotherapists who advocate appreciation as a way to create lasting relations, recommend keeping it within the length of time for one out-breath. Try a simple I appreciate you for to get you started.
2. Speak from Your Heart, not Your Head.
Dont think too much! Your most effective guide is your heart, not your head. Take a moment to breathe, visualize your heart and let the words flow from there.
3. Keep It Up.
Expressing appreciation on a regular basis is more effective than going on a binge one day and then dropping into radio silence for the next two weeks. Set some simple goals like expressing one heart-felt appreciation to your partner each day. One woman credited starting daily appreciations with reviving a flagging marriage! If you are single, give yourself that yummy appreciation or call a friend and express your appreciation for that friendship. Giving and receiving appreciation may feel awkward initially, just like a muscle that hasnt been called upon for a while. Simply keep up your efforts and soon itll become a natural and effortless habit.
4. Cover All the Bases
Once you start looking, there are so many things you will realize you appreciate in the people in your life! Look at what they do; how they communicate; how they look; how you relate to each other. Look for things to appreciate and youll start to find them.
5. Dont Let Just Words Do the Talking
Appreciation doesnt always need to be verbal. Play with nonverbal appreciation as well, such as leaving unexpected notes in lunch bags or briefcases, flowers, extra hugs or strokes, delicious eye contact, and other small acts of kindness.
6. Who to Appreciate.
Loved ones, family and friends are clear candidates for receiving appreciation. How about your co-workers or employees? Why not expand your horizons to include your hairdresser or the check-out clerk at the grocery store? Appreciate your home, the city you live in or your health. Expanding your list of who and what you appreciate will help you to live in an attitude of gratitude which will help you keep centered and open, better able to take on any challenges that might still be in front of you.
7. Appreciate Yourself
Do you ever find yourself in need of appreciation? I always encourage my clients to start by appreciating themselves first. Its amazing what wonders doing 10 written self-appreciations every day can do for your spirit!
Success Strategist, coach and best-selling author, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the founder of ThriveAfterDivorce.com, created for divorced people who want to stop struggling and start thriving. To get free tips on every aspect of living through a divorce, from legal issues to single parenting to getting back into the dating world, visit www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com.
Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/relat
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- Mood:More emotions
- Music:Black Eyed Peas
We're on a roll about cheating this week, so I decided to go with it and post a question that showed up in my mailbox a day or two ago; one that I hear a lot of variations of in the dating forums. Lynn asks: I have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. We have a really good relationship together. We have plans to move in together. But before we do that, I wanted to make sure he wouldn't cheat on me. So I created a fake Facebook profile and added him. We chatted for a bit then asked to meet. I spoke with him the same night he was about to meet the fake person I created. He told me that he was going to take a nap about a minute before he had the date with the fake girl. I went to the place he was going to meet her and waited for him. He showed up. I asked him what he was doing there and he said, "Oh well I knew it was you all along." I know he's lying to me. He's a great guy and everything I ever wanted in a guy. Should I forgive him? Can we look past this? Bonny's answer: There are so many things to address in this question, I'm not sure where to start - so let's begin with the obvious: if you cannot trust a man, then why on earth would you want to move in with him. And if you have to 'test' to see if he'll be faithful, how 'great' can the relationship really be? I've noticed a common fear among many young women these days: the fear that their partner will lie to them, betray them, and/or cheat on them. And guess what? It happens. A lot. But there are also a lot of men who have no issue with commitment, no issue with giving their word (and keeping it), and who won't give you any reason to question their loyalty to you. If those are the kinds of things that are important to you in a relationship, why wouldn't you seek out a man who can provide them, without having to test him using carefully created traps? I realize that none of what I'm saying here answers your question, but what you're asking isn't something I can answer for you. Why? Because (a) he's obviously not everything you want in a man (if you truly believe he was lying to you), and (b) the question isn't whether or not you can forgive him, but rather if he should forgive you. Because who wants to go through a relationship wondering whether or not they are being questioned constantly, or told they are a liar? Either you trust this man or you don't, and if you don't, its time to let you both move on. But what do you think readers? Should Lynn forgive her partner? Do you think what she did was called for, or 'right'.
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Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:Very good
- Music:Moby
Everyone does it. Not everybody likes. Whether you like or from stress and find horrible, you know that if you are still ongoing to find a person who can stop your dating life forever, you have to do. Gentlemen, you simply update the girls if you are still ongoing to find the perfect one for you. So heres some good advice for you. When it comes to meeting girls, you must consider all these five tips: Girls do not think it is fun to make noise by placing their hands under their armpits and acts as a winged creature. Even if they are drunk, they do not like that. Save this type of behavior for the guys of the night. Girls do not think you are super-fly, if you brag about a previous relationship or notches in your belt. They are not interested to know the Loopy blonde who could not speak a coherent sentence to save his life, but the most impressive grid youve ever seen. They are not really theirs and hosted by women ogled every where they go. So remember these two important things: never talk about an ex-girlfriend, your daughter and take somewhere again not to be pawed by past conquests. They really do not want to see you standing in the doorway of your tattered jeans with a wicked, five dollar pizza in hand. Just take my word for it on this one. Maybe later, like when you have teenaged children, then you can do this kind of thing. But in the meantime, regular shower, wearing khaki and a sweater, and give him a nice bouquet of flowers instead of a bag of fat fast food. They do not like it when he leaves the redemption date of an appointment for a free restaurant coupons for cash. There is nothing wrong with a market, especially in these difficult economic times, but the use of these gifts when you go out with your mother (who is the love of your thriftiness) or your best friend (who is not notice or care how you paid). Do not make your date think that it is not worth full price. They do burping and farting contest crazy and entertaining. Who can reach the most silent, but the most lethal one, without prior warning is not to be proud, according to the female half of the population. Or how it is cool to be able to return to the melody of The Star-Spangled Banner. Again, except for football, it undermines the frat brothers. In remembering these five tips for dating girls, you will go further than you ever expected to have successful and rewarding dates. You may even find that you have several dates with the same girl. There is no shortage of advice when it comes to meeting girls, and many of the alleged wisdom simply says to you about it. Its not terrible and advice can help you in your quest, but if you are prohibited behavior includes a list of tips for dating girls, not being yourself. Do better than that. Remember the success of five tips for dating girls to improve your dating life more than you imagined.
Thomas writes articles for adult singles looking for the online dating services.
Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/datin g-articles/five-successful-tips-for-dati ng-girls-938518.
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Thomas writes articles for adult singles looking for the online dating services.
Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/datin
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:lol
- Music:Nelly Furtado
Chris asks: I am newly separated after a 19 year marriage, and have started going out with a gal whom I have a great time with. She is funny, bright, outgoing, the works. My dilemma is that I don't want to get serious with this girl. I don't have any feelings for her but I think she is the sweetest person around. How do I draw the line about spending too much time with her because I'm not ready to get serious? My answer: Dating after separation or divorce is hard, even harder than dating after divorce in my opinion. Why? Because when you're still separated you're still working through your marriage; difficult to do even under the best of circumstances. I advise most folks in your situation to take a serious review of their reasons for dating, and whether or not they are ready to date again. But my point is somewhat moot as you've already started dating. Dating a woman who, in your own words, is fantastic but not for you. So then why are you dating her? Why not just be friends? My guess is that your dating relationship with this woman easy, comfortable, and it helps with some of the loneliness you're feeling after separation. Understandable, considering. At the same time, you can't just think about your own needs here, and you have to realize this because you're already asking the question: how do you make this relationship into something that you need, rather than what she wants? How do you ensure she doesn't get attached, because you aren't and likely won't? To me, the answer seems simple. If you don't want to get serious with this woman, don't. Let her know where you're at and how you feel, but that if she's wanting something more you won't be able to provide it to her. The honorable thing to do - especially if she's as wonderful as you say she is - is to let her go, so she can find someone who can give her the kind of relationship she wants. Now, if she wants what you have to offer - no feelings whatsoever but a 'good time' - great. But I'll hazard she's wanting something more or you wouldn't be asking the question. But what do you think, readers? Do you agree with me, or do you think Chris should try a completely different tactic? Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do.
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Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:smile
- Music:Nickelback
In the mid-1960s there was a horrifying moment on TV, a short-lived sitcom, My Mother the Car, starring an extremely young Jerry Van Dyke. The premise of the show was that Joe Sitcoms deceased mother had been reincarnated as a talking 1928 Porter convertible automobile.
My mom would have never consented to reincarnation as a 40 year-old hoopdie the automotive equivalent of an old lady wearing a faded flowered smock with strings hanging from the hem. She would have agreed to nothing less than a 64 Ford Mustang convertible dipped in Cherries-In-The-Snow red.
She was a modern woman decked out in form fitting pantsuits, fluffy Motown wigs and short skirts. She didnt seem out of place in the Pepsi Generation. To my preteen eyes she was the epitome of glamour, the essence of charm and excitement. She represented the best of Mademoiselle or Vogue, moving through life with class, grace and style.
She never left the house without lipstick, never left the house without draping on her style, her swing, her surefootedness. Quirky and independent, always noticed never a wallflower. She was always ready, whole, when she left the house.
I look in the mirror and see her face, especially when Im smiling and wearing red, red lipstick. I feel her wrapping me in timeless merino wool coats and colorful cashmere sweaters from the best department stores in 1960s D.C.: Garfinckels, Woodward Lothrop, and Lansburghs.
Mom haunts me whenever I go shopping. Mom haunts me whenever Im dressing for an event. Mom haunts me as I clean out my closets, scolding and warning me about bad taste, unfortunate style and lack of style. Her mischievous smile is in the sunbeam that shines on the pile of discarded baggy capri pants, summer skirts that make my butt look big, faded tie dye frocks and items in universally unflattering colors such as salmon and beige. Her light-hearted laugh echoes through my cedar closet as I recall her story of the church ladys fur stole that was reminiscent of Toto or Benji.
My Mother the Muse inspired who I am today. My closets and my life are full because of her, although I most enjoyed wearing her Cherries-In-The-Snow lip print on my cheek her seal of approval.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
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My mom would have never consented to reincarnation as a 40 year-old hoopdie the automotive equivalent of an old lady wearing a faded flowered smock with strings hanging from the hem. She would have agreed to nothing less than a 64 Ford Mustang convertible dipped in Cherries-In-The-Snow red.
She was a modern woman decked out in form fitting pantsuits, fluffy Motown wigs and short skirts. She didnt seem out of place in the Pepsi Generation. To my preteen eyes she was the epitome of glamour, the essence of charm and excitement. She represented the best of Mademoiselle or Vogue, moving through life with class, grace and style.
She never left the house without lipstick, never left the house without draping on her style, her swing, her surefootedness. Quirky and independent, always noticed never a wallflower. She was always ready, whole, when she left the house.
I look in the mirror and see her face, especially when Im smiling and wearing red, red lipstick. I feel her wrapping me in timeless merino wool coats and colorful cashmere sweaters from the best department stores in 1960s D.C.: Garfinckels, Woodward Lothrop, and Lansburghs.
Mom haunts me whenever I go shopping. Mom haunts me whenever Im dressing for an event. Mom haunts me as I clean out my closets, scolding and warning me about bad taste, unfortunate style and lack of style. Her mischievous smile is in the sunbeam that shines on the pile of discarded baggy capri pants, summer skirts that make my butt look big, faded tie dye frocks and items in universally unflattering colors such as salmon and beige. Her light-hearted laugh echoes through my cedar closet as I recall her story of the church ladys fur stole that was reminiscent of Toto or Benji.
My Mother the Muse inspired who I am today. My closets and my life are full because of her, although I most enjoyed wearing her Cherries-In-The-Snow lip print on my cheek her seal of approval.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
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- Mood:Good
- Music:Timbaland
Dottie emailed me back and said sorry, but just before she'd met me, she'd decided to give another dude a more serious, exclusive sort of go. So I'm going to stalk her, find out the name of this dude, and then dig up a lot of dirt on him, which I can then email to her, mention in notes that I leave taped to her dashboard, stuck on her refrigerator door, in her medicine cabinet.
Ok, maybe not. Instead I read between the lines a bit: she still came out to meet me even though she was into this other dude. So I emailed her back and told her it was cool, and that I thought she was remarkable, and that, even though I wished her well, if things happened to NOT work out, well, she has a standing dinner invite with Mr. Casual. You never know.
While Dottie was busily drafting this letter, I was having a Relationship-Determining Conversation with Madeline. We both agreed that neither of us was particularly smitten with the other, but that we both really liked each other and looked forward to time together. We agreed that we're not really feeling intimacy growing between us at the kind of rate either of us wants, but that we're still both always really psyched when we look forward to dates together. We also even found that we both share a weird kind of dismay at how polite we're each being around each other, and agreed that neither one of us is really like that, but that there's just something about our chemistry that brings it out in us. We're going to keep seeing each other, and even continuing our affection, but we're also not really going to think of it as dating, just "affectionate friendship with an open mind about maybe something else possibly happening over the long run as intimacy develops." And, of course, if we hook up with someone else, we're going to tell the other person about that.
(Parenthetical aside: Madeline makes the best fucking sandwiches in the galaxy. We had our talk over a dinner of her creation, and it was soooo good, it almost made me rethink my position and beg her to cleave her culinary self to me. But only almost)
So where does this leave Mr. Casual? There's still The Cyclone, and the somewhat remote possiblities of Nadine, Gabrielle. To be honest, I kind of consider the possibility of a working relationship with The Cyclone to be kind of remote as well: she lives far away, and we are from completely different worlds. But, who knows, maybe things will evolve tomorrow night during our dinner date at Chez Casual.
And...I made a kind of a date with Carla for next week. She's having me over next week to her love shack to help her make sushi for a potluck the following day.
Aaaannnnd.... well, probably doesn't even deserve mentioning here, but...next week's the end of the month, and that's when Tosca asked me to check in with her again about the possiblity of meeting again for the first time since we broke up in early February.
Penultimate bit of dating news: I've come to not like how shabby I feel in comparison to some of the snappy dressers I've had the pleasure of meeting in recent weeks, soooo on Sunday, Visage is assuming the title of Personal Shopper. If anyone can make my inner fabulousness shine out in full sartorial splendor, it is Visage, for she is the High Queen of All Fabulosity.
Final bit: I've disabled my OKCupid profile and will probably do the same with the Match profile as well. Season 2 has had a lot of disappointment, and if something doesn't gel soon with the current stable of Candidates, Ima take a break, recharge, do some single guy stuff for a while.
Like get to the fucking gym. These man-tits are seriously messing with my mojo.
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Ok, maybe not. Instead I read between the lines a bit: she still came out to meet me even though she was into this other dude. So I emailed her back and told her it was cool, and that I thought she was remarkable, and that, even though I wished her well, if things happened to NOT work out, well, she has a standing dinner invite with Mr. Casual. You never know.
While Dottie was busily drafting this letter, I was having a Relationship-Determining Conversation with Madeline. We both agreed that neither of us was particularly smitten with the other, but that we both really liked each other and looked forward to time together. We agreed that we're not really feeling intimacy growing between us at the kind of rate either of us wants, but that we're still both always really psyched when we look forward to dates together. We also even found that we both share a weird kind of dismay at how polite we're each being around each other, and agreed that neither one of us is really like that, but that there's just something about our chemistry that brings it out in us. We're going to keep seeing each other, and even continuing our affection, but we're also not really going to think of it as dating, just "affectionate friendship with an open mind about maybe something else possibly happening over the long run as intimacy develops." And, of course, if we hook up with someone else, we're going to tell the other person about that.
(Parenthetical aside: Madeline makes the best fucking sandwiches in the galaxy. We had our talk over a dinner of her creation, and it was soooo good, it almost made me rethink my position and beg her to cleave her culinary self to me. But only almost)
So where does this leave Mr. Casual? There's still The Cyclone, and the somewhat remote possiblities of Nadine, Gabrielle. To be honest, I kind of consider the possibility of a working relationship with The Cyclone to be kind of remote as well: she lives far away, and we are from completely different worlds. But, who knows, maybe things will evolve tomorrow night during our dinner date at Chez Casual.
And...I made a kind of a date with Carla for next week. She's having me over next week to her love shack to help her make sushi for a potluck the following day.
Aaaannnnd.... well, probably doesn't even deserve mentioning here, but...next week's the end of the month, and that's when Tosca asked me to check in with her again about the possiblity of meeting again for the first time since we broke up in early February.
Penultimate bit of dating news: I've come to not like how shabby I feel in comparison to some of the snappy dressers I've had the pleasure of meeting in recent weeks, soooo on Sunday, Visage is assuming the title of Personal Shopper. If anyone can make my inner fabulousness shine out in full sartorial splendor, it is Visage, for she is the High Queen of All Fabulosity.
Final bit: I've disabled my OKCupid profile and will probably do the same with the Match profile as well. Season 2 has had a lot of disappointment, and if something doesn't gel soon with the current stable of Candidates, Ima take a break, recharge, do some single guy stuff for a while.
Like get to the fucking gym. These man-tits are seriously messing with my mojo.
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- Mood:normal
- Music:Limp Bizkit
Johnny Boy asks: Five times I've asked her to stop flirting with my best friend, but it only lasts a day. Each time I complain, she tells me that flirting is healthy and natural, and that I do it too. But she knows I'm only talking to her friends, like I would a coworker, while she's prancing around flirting like she doesn't care. Today I spoke with her again about it, but she was already on the phone with my friend and flirted some more. Even told me about it. What should I do? Johnny Boy, I feel for you. Really, I do. It sounds like your girlfriend is disrespecting you constantly and purposely no less. So either she's playing games and trying to get your attention, or she's playing games and wants to date your friend. I can't think of any 'good' reason why she'd be doing what she's doing. But then your answer should be an easy one: end the relationship. Because why would you want to date someone who treats you like this? If she cannot hear that her behavior is upsetting you so much and refuses to tame it down, then obviously this is a dealbreaker. Finding someone who feels the same way you do about flirting and its appropriateness would be a much better solution, because it sounds like your partner isn't on the same page as you are. What say you, dear readers? Do you agree with my advice, or is there something else Johnny Boy should try.
Similar posts: casual dating
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:smile
- Music:Andrew Donalds
Yesterday (Sunday) I had an unscheduled afternoon phone date with The Cyclone, and it was decidedly less cyclonic than our first date, which, I might add, is a really, really good thing. We chatted for about 45 minutes about all kinds of stuff, mostly what she's up to this weekend. I learned that she went to see a David Macaulay exhibit, AND she is, contrary to my expectations, a big fan of board games, both of which would also be really, really good things. I dunno, though, she MIGHT have dropped that big about board games just because she saw I have a fairly substantial collection of them. She also stopped for a moment near the end of the conversation and said, "You know what I like most about you? I could tell from the moment I met you that you're very sweet and gentle. I thought at first from your profile you'd be kind of loud and obnoxious, which would be ok, but as soon as I met you I could tell what a sweet, gentle man you are. I really like that about you." I thanked her and made light of it, but the truth is, she really touched me.
Later that same day, of course, I went over to Madeline's for the first time for dinner. She made a great dinner, and then we cuddled up on the sofa together and continued our shared reading of Anastasia Krupnik, which I am SO much enjoying. The evening really did fly by, and we shared some good laughs... But.
We've been seeing other about once a week for six weeks now, and I'm kind of starting to wonder where it's going and how into me she really is. I feel like this is partly my fault though: I told her after the first date that I'm not on any timetable. And it's true, I'm not, but she is exceedingly hot, and I'm starting to wonder if she even likes me or sex at all. So, yeah, we need to talk, but I do so much enjoy my time with her, and except for the chastity part, I like everything about our relationship EXACTLY as it is. And part of why it's working is that we're so NOT focused on Having A Relationship. We are both really enjoying just being together, you know? Maybe it's just going really slowly, I tell myself sometimes. Maybe we'll get there, and she just wants to be sure, maybe on some level I just want to be sure and that's why I'm not being more aggressive or romancey. Maybe she's wondering why I don't just tap that, maybe she's got some other dude who's taking up most of her time, heart, and bed, or maybe she's just plain had enough of the lack of play herself and is getting ready to tell me to put out or get out. Maybe a million things.
To complicate matters further, the email conversations with Dottie and Gabrielle have both gotten very good. I'm meeting one tonight, and phoning the other. I kind of hope one of them, at least, is a real non-starter at this point. Between the Cyclone, Madeline, unresolved feelings for Tosca and Carla, and the return of Evelyn (the old flame), my dance card is already ludicrously over-full. More than that, though, my poor heart doesn't know which way to turn. Maybe I should make that a whole other blog entry though: how it feels when you start to care for more than one Candidate at a time. Yes, that would make a great post, I'm sure.
If I can squeeze it in between ladies, that is.
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Later that same day, of course, I went over to Madeline's for the first time for dinner. She made a great dinner, and then we cuddled up on the sofa together and continued our shared reading of Anastasia Krupnik, which I am SO much enjoying. The evening really did fly by, and we shared some good laughs... But.
We've been seeing other about once a week for six weeks now, and I'm kind of starting to wonder where it's going and how into me she really is. I feel like this is partly my fault though: I told her after the first date that I'm not on any timetable. And it's true, I'm not, but she is exceedingly hot, and I'm starting to wonder if she even likes me or sex at all. So, yeah, we need to talk, but I do so much enjoy my time with her, and except for the chastity part, I like everything about our relationship EXACTLY as it is. And part of why it's working is that we're so NOT focused on Having A Relationship. We are both really enjoying just being together, you know? Maybe it's just going really slowly, I tell myself sometimes. Maybe we'll get there, and she just wants to be sure, maybe on some level I just want to be sure and that's why I'm not being more aggressive or romancey. Maybe she's wondering why I don't just tap that, maybe she's got some other dude who's taking up most of her time, heart, and bed, or maybe she's just plain had enough of the lack of play herself and is getting ready to tell me to put out or get out. Maybe a million things.
To complicate matters further, the email conversations with Dottie and Gabrielle have both gotten very good. I'm meeting one tonight, and phoning the other. I kind of hope one of them, at least, is a real non-starter at this point. Between the Cyclone, Madeline, unresolved feelings for Tosca and Carla, and the return of Evelyn (the old flame), my dance card is already ludicrously over-full. More than that, though, my poor heart doesn't know which way to turn. Maybe I should make that a whole other blog entry though: how it feels when you start to care for more than one Candidate at a time. Yes, that would make a great post, I'm sure.
If I can squeeze it in between ladies, that is.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:smile
- Music:Andrew Donalds
Right out of the gate, let me say that I've reread my last entry and I think one thing needs clarification: when I said that Tosca and I are interested in smoothing things over, I don't particularly mean we are talking about getting back together. That's not really on the agenda. We just want to be friends, is all, and haven't been able to do that at the same time as letting go of each other and trying to move on. *That's* what we want to smooth over, the ragged tear that keeps us completely out of touch, nothing more.
Other than that, there's not really a whole lot to say other than what I've already said, but here are some highlights from the past few days:
Date #3 with Maddie, Friday night
I was slightly dreading the date actually. For one thing, Madeline had made it clear after both our first two dates that she was having a hard time making up her mind whether there was any "chemistry" between us, which I read as, "I really don't think there's chemistry here, but my options are rather limited right now so I'll keep seeing you for now." So that's kind of intimidating to walk into right there, but, added to that, it looked like rain, and our date, as planned, involved a lot of outdoor walking to different destinations in and around Tourist Square.
Well, you know what I say. When life gives you lemons, make a lemon angelfood cake with lemon glaze and crushed-blueberry sauce. The thing about Madeline is, she is just IMPOSSIBLE to read. She also seems kind of serious and no-nonsense. Nevertheless, when you're losing the game, it always makes sense to run big risks: if the risk pays off, you win, but if it doesn't, well, you were going to lose anyway, right? So...I made her a thoughtful, somewhat romantic gift.
I put it in my pocket, ready for an emergency type situation.
At 7:00 I met Maddie and the weather was perfect. Warmish damp air made it feel like spring. We strolled to the restaurant and had a nice talk, got to the restaurant and found it completely overcrowded with one enormous wedding party. Thank you, dating gods, I thought. It was so random and silly and absurd to be surrounded by people in formal dress, like we'd wandered onto a movie set, it was like that lobster scene in Annie Hall, right? Maybe not. Regardless, we wound up going to the restaurant across the street instead.
Over dinner we compared wrists. Maddie has very unusually angular wrists, you see. And there was this moment, where she held my wrist when she clearly didn't have to.
Then, after, at the movie theater, she held onto my arm, even leaning against me at one point while we waited for the movie to begin, and then I knew, Madeline had made up her mind. I figured I better give her the gift now, before it became completely redundant. What an incredible change that rendered. She became almost a completely different person, smitten and soft. I never, ever would have taken her for the romantic type, but I guess this shows how incredibly little I know, at least about Candidate Madeline.
And yes, later, at the end of the date, before we parted company, in a very public place, we kissed good night. But it was kind of weird, and not a very good kiss, I have to say, and I don't know if that's us, her, or me. For one thing, Maddie's one of the prettiest girls I've had the pleasure of getting to date #3 with, and that is sorta kinda maybe throwing my game a bit. I'm intimidated! Subsequent emails have proven that she wasn't scared off by the slightly awkward kiss, and also confirmed that she has very much made up her mind about me. What exactly that means for me, and us and our casual relationship remains to be seen.
Oh and PS: go see the movie Examined Life, it's awesome.
Liza's Rebuff, Friday Night
On the way home from a very lovely date with the very lovely Maddie, I got e-rebuffed by Liza. Remember when I said how ego-strokingly awesome it was to get an email from one Candidate while out with another? This wasn't one of those times. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy with where things are with Madeline and where they might go, but Liza was... a little more fun. I don't like to compare Candidates (much), but I am obligated to compare how I feel about them at least, and I know that whereas Maddie exerts this slow, inexorable, enigmatic magnetism on me, Liza made me feel like lights were coming on inside rooms I didn't know I had.
Yes, it was a little disappointing, but that's the way things go, and I'm over it. It helped a lot that she was quite direct and honest, and couched her disinterest not only in lots of high praise, but also in a request to allow her to introduce me to one of her single friends. I think only a sullen jerk (which I admit I can be) would read this as consolation prize. I prefer to think of it as, "You're really awesome and I think you're awesome enough to recommend you to a friend I care about and respect. You're just not for me, is all."
Is how I'm choosing to read it, anyway.
Blossom's Visit, Saturday through Sunday
We played video games and watched a movie and went out for shabu, and Blossom encouraged me to pick up a used $8 PS2 game that we had a LOT of fun with when we got back to my place after dinner. In the morning I made us a fabulous breakfast of thick-cut bacon, eggs, and locally baked multigrain toast.
I know what you want to know, and I'm not going to say much about that here except maybe this. I now have Blossom to thank for helping me figure out that I have to have some kind of romantic in-loveness type feelings for someone in order to really enjoy physical intimacy with them. There's emotional intimacy with Blossom, and we have lots of fun together, but there is zero romantic spark there, whatever that is or means. We did fool around a little, but I just wasn't there. My mind kept being elsewhere, and eventually I stopped things, which she was fine with. Blossom is very sweet, and very eager and willing, but she just isn't for me and I can't help that, and we can't help that, and we're both ok with that.
Instead we beat the shit out of each other in Soul Calibur 2.
That's about it, that's about what my weekend was, with Sunday left over to re-center and get ready for the next exciting week. Oh, and maybe I'm only slightly deliberately omitting mention of a CERTAIN FABULOUS SOMEONE WHO DRUNK DIALED ME A FEW TIMES this weekend, but, well, this update's already running a little long, so I guess we'll just leave it at that for now.
Similar posts: casual dating
Other than that, there's not really a whole lot to say other than what I've already said, but here are some highlights from the past few days:
Date #3 with Maddie, Friday night
I was slightly dreading the date actually. For one thing, Madeline had made it clear after both our first two dates that she was having a hard time making up her mind whether there was any "chemistry" between us, which I read as, "I really don't think there's chemistry here, but my options are rather limited right now so I'll keep seeing you for now." So that's kind of intimidating to walk into right there, but, added to that, it looked like rain, and our date, as planned, involved a lot of outdoor walking to different destinations in and around Tourist Square.
Well, you know what I say. When life gives you lemons, make a lemon angelfood cake with lemon glaze and crushed-blueberry sauce. The thing about Madeline is, she is just IMPOSSIBLE to read. She also seems kind of serious and no-nonsense. Nevertheless, when you're losing the game, it always makes sense to run big risks: if the risk pays off, you win, but if it doesn't, well, you were going to lose anyway, right? So...I made her a thoughtful, somewhat romantic gift.
I put it in my pocket, ready for an emergency type situation.
At 7:00 I met Maddie and the weather was perfect. Warmish damp air made it feel like spring. We strolled to the restaurant and had a nice talk, got to the restaurant and found it completely overcrowded with one enormous wedding party. Thank you, dating gods, I thought. It was so random and silly and absurd to be surrounded by people in formal dress, like we'd wandered onto a movie set, it was like that lobster scene in Annie Hall, right? Maybe not. Regardless, we wound up going to the restaurant across the street instead.
Over dinner we compared wrists. Maddie has very unusually angular wrists, you see. And there was this moment, where she held my wrist when she clearly didn't have to.
Then, after, at the movie theater, she held onto my arm, even leaning against me at one point while we waited for the movie to begin, and then I knew, Madeline had made up her mind. I figured I better give her the gift now, before it became completely redundant. What an incredible change that rendered. She became almost a completely different person, smitten and soft. I never, ever would have taken her for the romantic type, but I guess this shows how incredibly little I know, at least about Candidate Madeline.
And yes, later, at the end of the date, before we parted company, in a very public place, we kissed good night. But it was kind of weird, and not a very good kiss, I have to say, and I don't know if that's us, her, or me. For one thing, Maddie's one of the prettiest girls I've had the pleasure of getting to date #3 with, and that is sorta kinda maybe throwing my game a bit. I'm intimidated! Subsequent emails have proven that she wasn't scared off by the slightly awkward kiss, and also confirmed that she has very much made up her mind about me. What exactly that means for me, and us and our casual relationship remains to be seen.
Oh and PS: go see the movie Examined Life, it's awesome.
Liza's Rebuff, Friday Night
On the way home from a very lovely date with the very lovely Maddie, I got e-rebuffed by Liza. Remember when I said how ego-strokingly awesome it was to get an email from one Candidate while out with another? This wasn't one of those times. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy with where things are with Madeline and where they might go, but Liza was... a little more fun. I don't like to compare Candidates (much), but I am obligated to compare how I feel about them at least, and I know that whereas Maddie exerts this slow, inexorable, enigmatic magnetism on me, Liza made me feel like lights were coming on inside rooms I didn't know I had.
Yes, it was a little disappointing, but that's the way things go, and I'm over it. It helped a lot that she was quite direct and honest, and couched her disinterest not only in lots of high praise, but also in a request to allow her to introduce me to one of her single friends. I think only a sullen jerk (which I admit I can be) would read this as consolation prize. I prefer to think of it as, "You're really awesome and I think you're awesome enough to recommend you to a friend I care about and respect. You're just not for me, is all."
Is how I'm choosing to read it, anyway.
Blossom's Visit, Saturday through Sunday
We played video games and watched a movie and went out for shabu, and Blossom encouraged me to pick up a used $8 PS2 game that we had a LOT of fun with when we got back to my place after dinner. In the morning I made us a fabulous breakfast of thick-cut bacon, eggs, and locally baked multigrain toast.
I know what you want to know, and I'm not going to say much about that here except maybe this. I now have Blossom to thank for helping me figure out that I have to have some kind of romantic in-loveness type feelings for someone in order to really enjoy physical intimacy with them. There's emotional intimacy with Blossom, and we have lots of fun together, but there is zero romantic spark there, whatever that is or means. We did fool around a little, but I just wasn't there. My mind kept being elsewhere, and eventually I stopped things, which she was fine with. Blossom is very sweet, and very eager and willing, but she just isn't for me and I can't help that, and we can't help that, and we're both ok with that.
Instead we beat the shit out of each other in Soul Calibur 2.
That's about it, that's about what my weekend was, with Sunday left over to re-center and get ready for the next exciting week. Oh, and maybe I'm only slightly deliberately omitting mention of a CERTAIN FABULOUS SOMEONE WHO DRUNK DIALED ME A FEW TIMES this weekend, but, well, this update's already running a little long, so I guess we'll just leave it at that for now.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:normal
- Music:Nickelback
So I know I haven't written here in a while, but I need to just rant right now. I knew there was a reason I didn't delete it.
So a week and some days ago, my boyfriend, the one I was head over heels in love with, decided he didn't actually love me. So we broke up and decided to stay friends, which was fine with me, it hurt, but at least I would still have him in my life. This was before he decided to ditch me, twice, to go away with his friends. And not even text or anything to see how I was doing. Earlier in the relationship he had promised me he wouldn't just get me and throw me away, which was what I was afraid of. That was exactly what he had done. He also got a new girlfriend not even a week after we broke up. Then, when I confronted him about it, he told me to stop wallowing and acting like a victim, and that I had needed my heart hardened. We ended up making up (I ended up acting like nothing had ever happened and I was never hurt). So I did it, I hardened my heart. Never again will I completely love or trust a man I'm in a relationship with. It leads to too much vulnerability and pain.
Did I mention that a few days after he broke up with me, I ran into my abusive ex-boyfriend on the train? I told him everything that had happened, and he proceeded to tell me that he was right when he said that no one would ever love me the way he loved me, no one would ever like my personality, men would only just want me for my body. Recent ex proved him right, and I'm actually starting to believe it. So if all I will ever be will be a body, then I'm just going to neatly tuck my emotions away. I am no longer thinking with my heart, that is now stone, I am now thinking with my head and my sex drive. Not to be cliche, but I'm dating like a man so I don't get played like a bitch.
Then, after crying half the day today and forcing myself to go numb, I find out my great uncle has cancer. Want to know how sane I am right now? I started laughing and crying when I found that out. I was laughing hysterically while sobbing. So here I am, on the verge of a total brakdown. Love my life.
Similar posts: casual dating
So a week and some days ago, my boyfriend, the one I was head over heels in love with, decided he didn't actually love me. So we broke up and decided to stay friends, which was fine with me, it hurt, but at least I would still have him in my life. This was before he decided to ditch me, twice, to go away with his friends. And not even text or anything to see how I was doing. Earlier in the relationship he had promised me he wouldn't just get me and throw me away, which was what I was afraid of. That was exactly what he had done. He also got a new girlfriend not even a week after we broke up. Then, when I confronted him about it, he told me to stop wallowing and acting like a victim, and that I had needed my heart hardened. We ended up making up (I ended up acting like nothing had ever happened and I was never hurt). So I did it, I hardened my heart. Never again will I completely love or trust a man I'm in a relationship with. It leads to too much vulnerability and pain.
Did I mention that a few days after he broke up with me, I ran into my abusive ex-boyfriend on the train? I told him everything that had happened, and he proceeded to tell me that he was right when he said that no one would ever love me the way he loved me, no one would ever like my personality, men would only just want me for my body. Recent ex proved him right, and I'm actually starting to believe it. So if all I will ever be will be a body, then I'm just going to neatly tuck my emotions away. I am no longer thinking with my heart, that is now stone, I am now thinking with my head and my sex drive. Not to be cliche, but I'm dating like a man so I don't get played like a bitch.
Then, after crying half the day today and forcing myself to go numb, I find out my great uncle has cancer. Want to know how sane I am right now? I started laughing and crying when I found that out. I was laughing hysterically while sobbing. So here I am, on the verge of a total brakdown. Love my life.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:cry
- Music:Andrew Donalds
other online peepz who've tried to define it.One element my definition includes is that this is something that's related to your sexual orientation. Heterosexual dudes hanging out together or meeting for activities such as rock climbing, that's not what I call casual dating. Outwardly, it may look exactly the same as a casual date, but intentions and interests are important and if neither party is interested in the relationship developing into something romantic/sexual, then there's nothing date-like about it. Oddly enough, this aspect seems to be omitted or implied in the other definitions I find online, so I took the liberty of trying to include it here, since I think it's kind of important.
One thing casual dating is definitely notis casual sex, or at least, not by definition, though there are surely some people who casually date so that they may casually screw. It is also not Friends With Benefits (FWB), though Mr. Casual does slightly reluctantly concede that it could easily morph into that over the wide patch of fuzzy grey area that separates the two. The point is, everyone has their own ideas about where the line falls between what makes you feel good and what makes you feel like trash. Mr. Casual is still making up his own mind when it comes to this, but while he does that, he thinks that Carla taught him everything he needed to know on their third date when she said, "I assume you're seeing other people. I just need to know that if we have sex, we're exclusive for the time that we are having sex with each other. Anything else sounds dangerous and crazy to me." Mr. Casual isn't quite sure about dangerous and crazy, but he does think that, in general, this is a pretty good rule of thumb to follow. Your mileage may vary.
But now, see, we're starting to stray into some very interesting territory here. Notice for instance that your humble author acquired part of his definition of what is involved with casual dating by means of casual dating. Nothing too unusual there, of course: most things in life we learn by doing. What's different here, though, I think, is that there are no rules, there is no agreed-upon standard rule of law (or even ettiquette really). When I learned my own methods from Carla, I wasn't learning them from someone who got them from an instruction manual: she'd either made that rule up or gotten it from someone else herself. There is no mutually agreed upon method, we're all just making this up together... sort of communally but also sort of completely independent of one another, us Candidates.
What makes it even weirder is that I see us all (all us Candidates) as loosely cooperating to construct a social form that has no mutually agreed upon goal or purpose. Some are coming out of their living rooms because they just want company, some just to gain some confidence back after a rough breakup, some are doing it because they do just want casual sex, some are looking for a life-partner and co-parent of their future children, some are doing it just because they want to find out what works and what doesn't. Many of us, perhaps most, can't even really articulate why we're doing it, but nor is the expectation there that anyone should have to. Something I hear a lot on my casual dates is, "I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, and I assume you probably don't either." And she's usually right.
But it gets even weirder still, because the social form is loose enough that as I meander around the possible solution space for the question "What the hell am I doing here", no matter what answer I pick, the social form fits it. It's beautiful and it's funny and it's sweetly charming: we aren't too clear on what exactly we want, how to get it, or whether we will even want it once we find it, but we do know, we have this intuition or compass inside us that's pointing us to... something. A connection, a chemistry, a spark, something real and bright and alive and very, very elusive.
Another way of saying this, the way people usually talk about this instinct is, "I just wanted to put myself out there." No matter how miserable your casual dating experience, your friends will remind you that "at least you're putting yourself out there," even though this project might take a little while to bear some fruit that you can honestly enjoy. Note though, that, at its heart, this is still only metaphor. Where, exactly is this exterior that you're presumably putting yourself? Walking down the street or going to a restaurant, these are the literal meanings of putting yourself out there, but that's not what we talk about when we talk about "putting oneself out there". I'm not sure exactly what this means, other than what I describe in the previous paragraph, the reaching out for romance/love/connection, but what I like is that the metaphor isn't too different from "going out on a limb" or "sticking your neck out". In fact, I think the only way to do casual dating well (Mr. Casual here reminds the reader that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well) is to be willing to put some real and authentic part of yourself "out there" on display, where everyone can see it. This is what we Candidates do, we go on these casual dates, and we make an effort to show a little bit of our real selves, to try to squeeze in some authenticity somewhere around the banal and pedestrian conventions we saddle ourselves with: drinks at a bar or coffee at a coffeeshop... while at the same time trying to catch a real glimpse of the each other's real self.
Some of us do it that way anyway, and only sometimes. One internetizen referred to a certain "emotional aloofness" you have to maintain to be able to pull off this kind of dating we're calling, for increasingly unclear reasons, casual. And in spite of everything I just said, I agree completely. I realized this only just this weekend while out with the Visage and her friend. When Friend asked me what I do, I told her where I work, that I write, and that one of the big projects in my life right now is this dating thing. Friend indicated that she could never do "the casual dating thing" (still trying to figure out why we usually refer to "doing the casual dating thing" much more than the simpler and easier to say "casually dating", but that's another rumination for another time), because, for one thing, she didn't think she'd be able to keep from talking about her casual dating partners on her casual dates. She's right, it is difficult, and it's difficult for the exact reason Friend anticipated: it's hard not to get swept up in the process and let it be the only thing you think about. You do have to put up these little walls, well, not even walls, entire boxes really. And then in each of those boxes, you put everything you know and feel about a particular Candidate. You have to compartmentalize your life to such a degree that the parts that contain all the stuff about Candidate A don't leak on over into Candidate B's mental box. You don't want to moon over what Amy said to you when you're cuddling up to Bea. You don't even ever want to let something slip like, "That's just what Amy's cat does," not if you don't want to feel the temperature in the room drop a degree or two, anyway
Back in Season 1, when, for the first time in my life, I found myself with multiple Candidates, it felt a little...deceptive. Just as Friend fears would happen to her, I find it's pretty difficult to not get entangledin other people's lives. The process of getting to know someone isn't just like learning from a book, it's a change that you have to allow to change you in kind. Personally, I can't easily enter someone's life for a few hours, allow them to affect and touch my life in real ways, and then completely detach. Some people can. Friend couldn't, and I have mixed success. And when this happens, and Candidate B asks me, innocently enough what's been happening since the last time I saw her, it does seem rude and insensitive to say what might be the first thing on my mind, namely, "I had a great awesome connection wtih Candidate A and we totally made out and stuff." So I learned to be a very careful interlocutor and take my time, which feels unnatural, and, therefore, a little deceptive.
But Candidates know that these are the rules, and some people are just more comfortable about it. Blossom, for example, has always been completely open and ... casual... about her dates with other men when talking to me. It's just not in her personal code of honor (or sensitivity I suppose) to edit herself like that. I've tried going there myself, and I can't. Not part of my constitution, I guess.
More than this slight detachment that you need to have to keep all your feelings and conversations and thoughts separate, I also find that I have to have a little moredetachment in order to completely not care that the Candidate I'm canoodling with now might be canoodling with some other dude tomorrow night. This is just the golden rule, the doing unto others as you yourself would be done by. We try to let each other have the emotional space necessary for them to do the same kind of "looking around" that we're doing. In order to be able to enjoy the freedoms of a non-exclusive relationship, you've got to allow other people the same freedom, and that requires not allowing yourself to get too into someone too fast. Feeling must be throttled, but you can't turn it off completely, or there's hardly any point in calling it dating at all.
As you can see, the only thing that's really "casual" about casual dating is that it's not "heavily committed". But deep down, you can't really take the phenomenon itself too casually. It's not very well defined and the rules aren't clear and you have to be pretty thoughtful because you're dealing with other people's most tender feelings, not to mention your own. Doing it well requires striking a balance between authenticity and openness on the one hand, and prudent guardedness and adherence to pre-existing social conventions (small talk, starting things off at neutral, innocuous locations, and so on) on t'other. It's not easy, and it's a lot of work, and the payoff can be something of a longshot, when it's even defined at all.
Why do it at all, the wise reader might inquire. Well, truth be told, it's not for everyone. I do it for a few reasons, and I'll share them with you here, because I think that why people casually date is actually more important than any silly old definition. People who want to know if casual dating is right for them would probably do better looking at why people who enjoy it (e.g., Mr. Casual) do it, than at any definition they might find on the internet. I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself, can only tell you why I'm doing it and what I enjoy about it.
1. I enjoy meeting people. I believe that the first date provides a platform that puts everyone on an equal footing, when done properly. I'm always socially awkward, and the first date construct levels that playing field, makes everyone an awkward first timer, and that is just great news for Mr. Casual. I love the thrill of the actual, physical approach to the first date, the flop sweat mixed with the hope that maybe some real connection might come about, somehow, miraculously, out of that first conversation. Imagine that, you know? Small talk with a stranger can, in a second be completely transformed by a chance, meaningful connection. You each change in each other's eyes, you each suddenly both know you can drop your guard a little bit, here's someone on your team, in your tribe, and maybe even, on your side.
2. I really enjoy making out. Meeting smart, attractive, outgoing women seems like a good way to get more of this in my life. Will keep you posted.
3. I think people are beautiful, and I think they are rarely more beautiful than when they're looking for Love (which reminds me of one of my favorite dating site user names: WookinPaNub). These are people who are trying their best to look at you with their heart. It makes me think of people walking around the city streets with their heart a bird in a cage that they carry with them. They try to keep the bird safe, but also know it needs the air and needs to be exposed to the elements somewhat... you are tired of carrying that damned cage everywhere, but you want your bird to see someone else's bird and maybe make some kind of connection. Your bird's song is fine, but you know that the most beautiful music will come when your bird and some other bird get along well, and you can open up those cages and let them soar and sing together. I just happen to think it's beautiful to watch how people first lift the drape on the cage a little bit to show you their bird, then introduce you, and you do the same, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but... you never know what's going to happen. It's not safe, but you have all this hope and all this longing inside you, and it makes you do stuff that's a little crazy sometimes. Yay, people.
3a. So I guess it helps to be a bit of a romantic.
4. Anything where people cooperatively participate in an improvised and constructive activity counts as play in my book, and is therefore good and virtuous.
I like that we're, all of us Candidates, figuring out day by day what casual dating is and means to each of us. I like that there's some consensus, but also a lot of individual interpretation. I like that I don't think any one person can give you a complete picture of what it is or what it's like. You make up what it is for you, and then you share that with someone else.
Or you just blog it.
Similar posts: casual dating
One thing casual dating is definitely notis casual sex, or at least, not by definition, though there are surely some people who casually date so that they may casually screw. It is also not Friends With Benefits (FWB), though Mr. Casual does slightly reluctantly concede that it could easily morph into that over the wide patch of fuzzy grey area that separates the two. The point is, everyone has their own ideas about where the line falls between what makes you feel good and what makes you feel like trash. Mr. Casual is still making up his own mind when it comes to this, but while he does that, he thinks that Carla taught him everything he needed to know on their third date when she said, "I assume you're seeing other people. I just need to know that if we have sex, we're exclusive for the time that we are having sex with each other. Anything else sounds dangerous and crazy to me." Mr. Casual isn't quite sure about dangerous and crazy, but he does think that, in general, this is a pretty good rule of thumb to follow. Your mileage may vary.
But now, see, we're starting to stray into some very interesting territory here. Notice for instance that your humble author acquired part of his definition of what is involved with casual dating by means of casual dating. Nothing too unusual there, of course: most things in life we learn by doing. What's different here, though, I think, is that there are no rules, there is no agreed-upon standard rule of law (or even ettiquette really). When I learned my own methods from Carla, I wasn't learning them from someone who got them from an instruction manual: she'd either made that rule up or gotten it from someone else herself. There is no mutually agreed upon method, we're all just making this up together... sort of communally but also sort of completely independent of one another, us Candidates.
What makes it even weirder is that I see us all (all us Candidates) as loosely cooperating to construct a social form that has no mutually agreed upon goal or purpose. Some are coming out of their living rooms because they just want company, some just to gain some confidence back after a rough breakup, some are doing it because they do just want casual sex, some are looking for a life-partner and co-parent of their future children, some are doing it just because they want to find out what works and what doesn't. Many of us, perhaps most, can't even really articulate why we're doing it, but nor is the expectation there that anyone should have to. Something I hear a lot on my casual dates is, "I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, and I assume you probably don't either." And she's usually right.
But it gets even weirder still, because the social form is loose enough that as I meander around the possible solution space for the question "What the hell am I doing here", no matter what answer I pick, the social form fits it. It's beautiful and it's funny and it's sweetly charming: we aren't too clear on what exactly we want, how to get it, or whether we will even want it once we find it, but we do know, we have this intuition or compass inside us that's pointing us to... something. A connection, a chemistry, a spark, something real and bright and alive and very, very elusive.
Another way of saying this, the way people usually talk about this instinct is, "I just wanted to put myself out there." No matter how miserable your casual dating experience, your friends will remind you that "at least you're putting yourself out there," even though this project might take a little while to bear some fruit that you can honestly enjoy. Note though, that, at its heart, this is still only metaphor. Where, exactly is this exterior that you're presumably putting yourself? Walking down the street or going to a restaurant, these are the literal meanings of putting yourself out there, but that's not what we talk about when we talk about "putting oneself out there". I'm not sure exactly what this means, other than what I describe in the previous paragraph, the reaching out for romance/love/connection, but what I like is that the metaphor isn't too different from "going out on a limb" or "sticking your neck out". In fact, I think the only way to do casual dating well (Mr. Casual here reminds the reader that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well) is to be willing to put some real and authentic part of yourself "out there" on display, where everyone can see it. This is what we Candidates do, we go on these casual dates, and we make an effort to show a little bit of our real selves, to try to squeeze in some authenticity somewhere around the banal and pedestrian conventions we saddle ourselves with: drinks at a bar or coffee at a coffeeshop... while at the same time trying to catch a real glimpse of the each other's real self.
Some of us do it that way anyway, and only sometimes. One internetizen referred to a certain "emotional aloofness" you have to maintain to be able to pull off this kind of dating we're calling, for increasingly unclear reasons, casual. And in spite of everything I just said, I agree completely. I realized this only just this weekend while out with the Visage and her friend. When Friend asked me what I do, I told her where I work, that I write, and that one of the big projects in my life right now is this dating thing. Friend indicated that she could never do "the casual dating thing" (still trying to figure out why we usually refer to "doing the casual dating thing" much more than the simpler and easier to say "casually dating", but that's another rumination for another time), because, for one thing, she didn't think she'd be able to keep from talking about her casual dating partners on her casual dates. She's right, it is difficult, and it's difficult for the exact reason Friend anticipated: it's hard not to get swept up in the process and let it be the only thing you think about. You do have to put up these little walls, well, not even walls, entire boxes really. And then in each of those boxes, you put everything you know and feel about a particular Candidate. You have to compartmentalize your life to such a degree that the parts that contain all the stuff about Candidate A don't leak on over into Candidate B's mental box. You don't want to moon over what Amy said to you when you're cuddling up to Bea. You don't even ever want to let something slip like, "That's just what Amy's cat does," not if you don't want to feel the temperature in the room drop a degree or two, anyway
Back in Season 1, when, for the first time in my life, I found myself with multiple Candidates, it felt a little...deceptive. Just as Friend fears would happen to her, I find it's pretty difficult to not get entangledin other people's lives. The process of getting to know someone isn't just like learning from a book, it's a change that you have to allow to change you in kind. Personally, I can't easily enter someone's life for a few hours, allow them to affect and touch my life in real ways, and then completely detach. Some people can. Friend couldn't, and I have mixed success. And when this happens, and Candidate B asks me, innocently enough what's been happening since the last time I saw her, it does seem rude and insensitive to say what might be the first thing on my mind, namely, "I had a great awesome connection wtih Candidate A and we totally made out and stuff." So I learned to be a very careful interlocutor and take my time, which feels unnatural, and, therefore, a little deceptive.
But Candidates know that these are the rules, and some people are just more comfortable about it. Blossom, for example, has always been completely open and ... casual... about her dates with other men when talking to me. It's just not in her personal code of honor (or sensitivity I suppose) to edit herself like that. I've tried going there myself, and I can't. Not part of my constitution, I guess.
More than this slight detachment that you need to have to keep all your feelings and conversations and thoughts separate, I also find that I have to have a little moredetachment in order to completely not care that the Candidate I'm canoodling with now might be canoodling with some other dude tomorrow night. This is just the golden rule, the doing unto others as you yourself would be done by. We try to let each other have the emotional space necessary for them to do the same kind of "looking around" that we're doing. In order to be able to enjoy the freedoms of a non-exclusive relationship, you've got to allow other people the same freedom, and that requires not allowing yourself to get too into someone too fast. Feeling must be throttled, but you can't turn it off completely, or there's hardly any point in calling it dating at all.
As you can see, the only thing that's really "casual" about casual dating is that it's not "heavily committed". But deep down, you can't really take the phenomenon itself too casually. It's not very well defined and the rules aren't clear and you have to be pretty thoughtful because you're dealing with other people's most tender feelings, not to mention your own. Doing it well requires striking a balance between authenticity and openness on the one hand, and prudent guardedness and adherence to pre-existing social conventions (small talk, starting things off at neutral, innocuous locations, and so on) on t'other. It's not easy, and it's a lot of work, and the payoff can be something of a longshot, when it's even defined at all.
Why do it at all, the wise reader might inquire. Well, truth be told, it's not for everyone. I do it for a few reasons, and I'll share them with you here, because I think that why people casually date is actually more important than any silly old definition. People who want to know if casual dating is right for them would probably do better looking at why people who enjoy it (e.g., Mr. Casual) do it, than at any definition they might find on the internet. I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself, can only tell you why I'm doing it and what I enjoy about it.
1. I enjoy meeting people. I believe that the first date provides a platform that puts everyone on an equal footing, when done properly. I'm always socially awkward, and the first date construct levels that playing field, makes everyone an awkward first timer, and that is just great news for Mr. Casual. I love the thrill of the actual, physical approach to the first date, the flop sweat mixed with the hope that maybe some real connection might come about, somehow, miraculously, out of that first conversation. Imagine that, you know? Small talk with a stranger can, in a second be completely transformed by a chance, meaningful connection. You each change in each other's eyes, you each suddenly both know you can drop your guard a little bit, here's someone on your team, in your tribe, and maybe even, on your side.
2. I really enjoy making out. Meeting smart, attractive, outgoing women seems like a good way to get more of this in my life. Will keep you posted.
3. I think people are beautiful, and I think they are rarely more beautiful than when they're looking for Love (which reminds me of one of my favorite dating site user names: WookinPaNub). These are people who are trying their best to look at you with their heart. It makes me think of people walking around the city streets with their heart a bird in a cage that they carry with them. They try to keep the bird safe, but also know it needs the air and needs to be exposed to the elements somewhat... you are tired of carrying that damned cage everywhere, but you want your bird to see someone else's bird and maybe make some kind of connection. Your bird's song is fine, but you know that the most beautiful music will come when your bird and some other bird get along well, and you can open up those cages and let them soar and sing together. I just happen to think it's beautiful to watch how people first lift the drape on the cage a little bit to show you their bird, then introduce you, and you do the same, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but... you never know what's going to happen. It's not safe, but you have all this hope and all this longing inside you, and it makes you do stuff that's a little crazy sometimes. Yay, people.
3a. So I guess it helps to be a bit of a romantic.
4. Anything where people cooperatively participate in an improvised and constructive activity counts as play in my book, and is therefore good and virtuous.
I like that we're, all of us Candidates, figuring out day by day what casual dating is and means to each of us. I like that there's some consensus, but also a lot of individual interpretation. I like that I don't think any one person can give you a complete picture of what it is or what it's like. You make up what it is for you, and then you share that with someone else.
Or you just blog it.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:Very good
- Music:Bob Sinclar
Tell him/her your love for him/her fill all the corners in his/her life.
While in the water with your honey, hold hands, take a deep breath and go under. Then, with your other hand, trace their body until you find their lips and go in for the kiss.
When your love is unsuspecting, tackle him or her down, and tickle them until they cant take any more and then plant a giant kiss on their lips.
Go out for a drive at night and everytime you and your love pass a one-eyed (cars with one headlight) car you owe each other a kiss.
When you want to entice your love, ask them if they want a lollypop kiss. When they say yes,
Inform your love of the new law that passed. That is, whenever you drive under a yellow light, the driver owes the passenger a kiss. Then, follow through!
Take a deck of 52 cards. Assign each card a thing to do. For example, Aces get a kiss. Shuffle the deck and spread the cards out. You and your honey take turns drawing cards. What ever card says to do your honey must do.
Kiss your love whenever you think about it.
If you and your date are stuck inside because of the rain.. Try to talk your date into playing outside in the rain and if they refuse (for the guys) simply pick them up and carry them outside. Frolicking in the rain makes a great time to steal a kiss or two!
One person eats a piece of chocolate and the other person eats a piece of mint. Then they French kiss mmmmmm.
When your love is unsuspecting, tackle him or her down, and tickle them until they cant take any more and then plant a giant kiss on their lips.
Kiss your love at some totally random time When they ask What was that for? say just because
When you are at a party or the mall or something and see your love, go over and kiss them, right away, then say .wrong person, sorry, and walk away, see what they do.
Do pushups over your girlfriend and ever time you go down, you kiss her. Dont forget kissing burns calories
Stuff a piece of jello in your mouth and kiss your dearest. Youll be able to experience the most sensual kiss, while you and your partners tongue fiddle with that piece of Jello.
While you and your lover are sitting together, pretend that you heard something and look around. Did you hear that? you ask. Hear what? they reply. While they look lean over and kiss them. Oh guess it was nothing!!!
When your love wants a kiss, get close enough to where they can barely feel your lips, then when they try to move in to get it, pull away so that they have to pull closer for it.
After sucking on a lemon, kiss your love. This isnt the sweetest kiss in the world, but its guaranteed to make your love pucker for more!!!!!!!!!
Take a strawberry, place half of it in your mouth and your love is to bite the other half for a tasty kiss.
Purr like a kitten and rub your face up against your love when you pass over your loves lips suck/kiss your love while you purrrrrrrrrr (only girls do this)
Take some Kool-Aid, and put a different flavor on each of you and your loves tongue. Then have the sweetest french kiss youll ever receive
Slice up a water melon in nice chunky bits. Place a piece between your teeth and let your loved one eat off it. When youve finished each your half, let your lips meet in a wet and juicy kiss.
When you are at an amusement park with your love, go on a ride that will turn you upside down. Once youre upside down, kiss your love and dont stop until youre upright again.
When you and your love are in that mood, lean over and lightly rub your nose on their cheek (very lightly), then look at your love and smile, then kiss either side of his/her mouth. This makes for wonderful, romantic kiss.
If youre going on a long trip, take a bag of Hersheys Kisses to your girlfriend/boyfriend and tell them that you hope these make up for all of the kisses they wont get. A very sweet jesture.
While you love is still asleep softly kiss their fore-head or cheek, then whisper a good morning in their ear.
When you are kissing, spell your partners name with your tounge.
When you and your partner start to have an argument move up close to him and kiss him it is sure to make you both forget what you were arguing about. It is a sure way to make sure arguments dont last long at all.
Let your love catch you staring longfully at their lips. Tell them you have had a deep craving for their kisses all day. Then their mouth in a hungry desire-burning kiss.
You need to get a box of Hostesss Powder doughnuts. Then you and your significant other both eat one and then have fun kissing (and licking) the powder off one anothers lips.
One day I saw these really awesome fake flavored lips at a party store. They were only like a buck or two so I got them and as soon as I saw my boy, I put them on and kissed him! He loved the strawberry taste!
Have a staring contest. The first one to blink losses and the winner has to kiss the other person !
Ask your love to just sit there while you kiss him/her. Being inactive will drive your love crazy and theyll start thinking enough of this one-sided kiss stuff. And soon it will turn into something very passionate and two-sided!
Guys: Dont try to jam your tounge through your girlfriend. Make kisses romantic, and extensions of your soul. Take the kiss slow, and try to make them the most pleasurable for both of you!
Sit in a quiet spot (preferrably next to a roaring fire) and make up your own stories. Include references to your first date, first kiss, and of course, use yourself and your love as the main characters.
Try kissing your partner from head to toe. Start kissing every single spot on their body. Take your time, gently kissing and noticing their reaction, that way you will notice those sensitive spots.
With some nice Jazz playing in the background, take your lady loves hand and and kiss it on the back of her hand between the thumb and forefinger. While you are kissing, hum along with the
Here is a sure way to get a kiss from your loved one. Go to the nearest pizza place and have them make a pizza in the shape of a heart and cut the tomatoes to say I love you. They are sure to thank you with kisses.
Have you and your love both eat a different flavor of popcicle. Then start kissing and dive into the mixed flavors with your tongues!
Have a stop watch and try to maintain your kiss for longer than a minute. Keep training and move up to 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and up to 25 minutes and go that extra mile.
Never forget the goodnight kiss and always say Sweet Dreams and I Love You.
By: romanticideasforvalentinesday.com
Need ideas and advice on how to show your significant other just how much you love them ? Visit www.romanticideasforvalentinesday.com for more articles today !.
Similar posts: casual dating
While in the water with your honey, hold hands, take a deep breath and go under. Then, with your other hand, trace their body until you find their lips and go in for the kiss.
When your love is unsuspecting, tackle him or her down, and tickle them until they cant take any more and then plant a giant kiss on their lips.
Go out for a drive at night and everytime you and your love pass a one-eyed (cars with one headlight) car you owe each other a kiss.
When you want to entice your love, ask them if they want a lollypop kiss. When they say yes,
Inform your love of the new law that passed. That is, whenever you drive under a yellow light, the driver owes the passenger a kiss. Then, follow through!
Take a deck of 52 cards. Assign each card a thing to do. For example, Aces get a kiss. Shuffle the deck and spread the cards out. You and your honey take turns drawing cards. What ever card says to do your honey must do.
Kiss your love whenever you think about it.
If you and your date are stuck inside because of the rain.. Try to talk your date into playing outside in the rain and if they refuse (for the guys) simply pick them up and carry them outside. Frolicking in the rain makes a great time to steal a kiss or two!
One person eats a piece of chocolate and the other person eats a piece of mint. Then they French kiss mmmmmm.
When your love is unsuspecting, tackle him or her down, and tickle them until they cant take any more and then plant a giant kiss on their lips.
Kiss your love at some totally random time When they ask What was that for? say just because
When you are at a party or the mall or something and see your love, go over and kiss them, right away, then say .wrong person, sorry, and walk away, see what they do.
Do pushups over your girlfriend and ever time you go down, you kiss her. Dont forget kissing burns calories
Stuff a piece of jello in your mouth and kiss your dearest. Youll be able to experience the most sensual kiss, while you and your partners tongue fiddle with that piece of Jello.
While you and your lover are sitting together, pretend that you heard something and look around. Did you hear that? you ask. Hear what? they reply. While they look lean over and kiss them. Oh guess it was nothing!!!
When your love wants a kiss, get close enough to where they can barely feel your lips, then when they try to move in to get it, pull away so that they have to pull closer for it.
After sucking on a lemon, kiss your love. This isnt the sweetest kiss in the world, but its guaranteed to make your love pucker for more!!!!!!!!!
Take a strawberry, place half of it in your mouth and your love is to bite the other half for a tasty kiss.
Purr like a kitten and rub your face up against your love when you pass over your loves lips suck/kiss your love while you purrrrrrrrrr (only girls do this)
Take some Kool-Aid, and put a different flavor on each of you and your loves tongue. Then have the sweetest french kiss youll ever receive
Slice up a water melon in nice chunky bits. Place a piece between your teeth and let your loved one eat off it. When youve finished each your half, let your lips meet in a wet and juicy kiss.
When you are at an amusement park with your love, go on a ride that will turn you upside down. Once youre upside down, kiss your love and dont stop until youre upright again.
When you and your love are in that mood, lean over and lightly rub your nose on their cheek (very lightly), then look at your love and smile, then kiss either side of his/her mouth. This makes for wonderful, romantic kiss.
If youre going on a long trip, take a bag of Hersheys Kisses to your girlfriend/boyfriend and tell them that you hope these make up for all of the kisses they wont get. A very sweet jesture.
While you love is still asleep softly kiss their fore-head or cheek, then whisper a good morning in their ear.
When you are kissing, spell your partners name with your tounge.
When you and your partner start to have an argument move up close to him and kiss him it is sure to make you both forget what you were arguing about. It is a sure way to make sure arguments dont last long at all.
Let your love catch you staring longfully at their lips. Tell them you have had a deep craving for their kisses all day. Then their mouth in a hungry desire-burning kiss.
You need to get a box of Hostesss Powder doughnuts. Then you and your significant other both eat one and then have fun kissing (and licking) the powder off one anothers lips.
One day I saw these really awesome fake flavored lips at a party store. They were only like a buck or two so I got them and as soon as I saw my boy, I put them on and kissed him! He loved the strawberry taste!
Have a staring contest. The first one to blink losses and the winner has to kiss the other person !
Ask your love to just sit there while you kiss him/her. Being inactive will drive your love crazy and theyll start thinking enough of this one-sided kiss stuff. And soon it will turn into something very passionate and two-sided!
Guys: Dont try to jam your tounge through your girlfriend. Make kisses romantic, and extensions of your soul. Take the kiss slow, and try to make them the most pleasurable for both of you!
Sit in a quiet spot (preferrably next to a roaring fire) and make up your own stories. Include references to your first date, first kiss, and of course, use yourself and your love as the main characters.
Try kissing your partner from head to toe. Start kissing every single spot on their body. Take your time, gently kissing and noticing their reaction, that way you will notice those sensitive spots.
With some nice Jazz playing in the background, take your lady loves hand and and kiss it on the back of her hand between the thumb and forefinger. While you are kissing, hum along with the
Here is a sure way to get a kiss from your loved one. Go to the nearest pizza place and have them make a pizza in the shape of a heart and cut the tomatoes to say I love you. They are sure to thank you with kisses.
Have you and your love both eat a different flavor of popcicle. Then start kissing and dive into the mixed flavors with your tongues!
Have a stop watch and try to maintain your kiss for longer than a minute. Keep training and move up to 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and up to 25 minutes and go that extra mile.
Never forget the goodnight kiss and always say Sweet Dreams and I Love You.
By: romanticideasforvalentinesday.com
Need ideas and advice on how to show your significant other just how much you love them ? Visit www.romanticideasforvalentinesday.com for more articles today !.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:hangry
- Music:Moby
Zan Perrion lectures on the key to happiness in this dating advice video. Many men think they will be happy when the finally get something they want, whether its the perfect job, a car or a hot woman. Thats not a sign of happiness. Its a sign that you are not whole and need something or someone else to complete you. Women can tell if a man is needy from a mile away and that is hugely unattractive. Its a secret that you cannot hide from women, so work on you and youll learn what happiness is AND get the girl.
Similar posts: casual dating
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:Very good
- Music:Enrique Iglesias
What is a womans favorite part of sex? Is it the orgasm? No. Is it penetration? No. Is it having her nipples sucked? No.
Women report their favorite part of sex is foreplay. So what exactly is foreplay? Its the kissing, touching and talking that comes before intercourse. All good seducers use foreplay, its necessary to ensure a memorable experience for her. In basic terms, the pleasure of foreplay lubricates her vagina to allow easy penetration for you, and brings her much closer to orgasm.
You will need to find out what your woman likes especially, and go from there. You should spend at least 15 minutes on foreplay, dont rush it. As it takes her longer to get excited, she needs lots of kissing and touching first.
Here are some great things you can incorporate into foreplay.
Taking a Bath
This can be a great form of foreplay, especially if you’ve been seeing each other for a while. (Make sure the bath is clean and you won’t be interrupted!) The warmth of the water makes you both feel relaxed and also extra clean. You can put aromatherapy oils in the bath to create a nice scent and make you both a bit slippery. Bubble bath can also be a nice touch, you can cover each other in foam.
You can put some body wash on a bath sponge and gently squeeze it over her body, moving the sponge in a circular motion. She’ll love the warm water running over her.
Massage
Massage is a great prelude to lovemaking. It initiates touch, relaxes her and makes her feel warm. If you have the energy and skill, you can give her a full body massage. Otherwise, have her lying on her stomach and give her a basic neck and back massage.
Before you start, make sure you use some kind of oil to make your hands run over her smoothly. Also rub your hands together first to warm them.
Start gently, massaging the top of her shoulders with the tips of your fingers. Now move your thumbs up the top on her spine, on each side of her vertebral column, and up the back of her neck. Focus on her pressure points, being careful not to be rough but applying enough pressure so that you’re kneading her skin gently.
With her arms, work your way up from the hands, squeeze and release, squeeze and release. An important massage technique is symmetry, treating both sides of her body equally.
If you like handling a woman’s foot, women adore foot massages. Don’t squeeze her feet as this will push the bones together and hurt her. Instead, use your thumbs to gently knead each part of her foot.
If a man is a good masseur, a woman should be putty in his hands. When she’s feeling completely relaxed, you can let your touches become caresses and start stroking her in a more sexual way.
Touching and kissing her
Remember each body part is an erogenous zone, so dont immediately start touching her between the legs. Always start with the kiss, and make sure youre somewhere you wont get interrupted (a ringing phone and the sound of your mothers voice on the answer machine is a big turn-off).
Kiss her gently at first, with controlled passion. If she gives you her tongue, it means shes turned on and wants to go further. Use your tongue a little bit (not forcing it into her mouth), and try sucking on her lips, one by one. When you know shes with you, start kissing other parts of her face - eyes, ears, and cheeks. These kisses are very reassuring for her. Then move down to her neck.
Now you can start touching her. Touch is very important because it tells her how skilled you will be in bed. It also tells you more about the shape of her body and how far shell let you go. If she wont let you feel her body, its not the time for sex. Start running your hands over her breasts, gently at first, and over the rest of her upper body.
You can start undressing her slowly, while not breaking the rhythm of your touching and kissing. If shes especially confident shell undress you too.
Massage the palm of her hand and suck on her fingers, then kiss your way up her arm back to her mouth. Gently nibble on her earlobe, kiss her ear and every so often gently insert your tongue. Some women dont like this but test her for her response because she may love it.
Now move your mouth down to her breasts. Suck on one nipple gently while massaging her other breast with your hand. After a while, change breasts. (Just before or during her period her breasts may be a bit tender, so you will need to be extra careful at this time.)
Hopefully by this time she is lying down on her back, her face flushed with pleasure and her eyes closed. Move your hand to stroke her stomach, then as you kiss her stomach move your hands down to start massaging her legs, her inner thighs and the sensitive bit of skin behind her knees. Stroke her calves, her ankles, massage her feet and suck gently on each of her toes. If shes ticklish, adjust your pressure.
All the way through this you can be talking to her in a low voice, if you wish, asking her how things feel and telling her how beautiful she is. Shell love it!
If you feel a bit grumpy about the fact youre doing all the work at this stage, think of it as priming her for later. If you do this first bit right, shell think youre fantastic and be more than willing to repay the favor later. Think about how much you want her to enjoy being with you, and how good shell feel when youre having sex with her.
If you know a guy who brags about how many women hes fucked, thats exactly what he means. It wasnt tender, it wasnt thoughtful, and the women involved probably didnt have such a great time. A man whos had a lot of partners isnt necessarily good in bed, just good at getting women to go to bed with him. You want the women you see to want to repeat the process! Its much better than starting again at square one.
By now she should be very wet before youve even touched her vagina. When you do start touching her between the legs, don’t go straight for the clitoris. Instead, run your thumbs up and down her labia, and just insert a finger into her. Tease her and drive her crazy. She’ll probably start making movements with her hips, just dying for more. A sign a woman is aroused when you manually stimulate her vagina is the sucking motion it begins to make. You will feel the walls close in a little around your fingers.
When you do make it to her clitoris, as it’s hidden under a hood you need to expose it a little bit. Do this by pressing your thumb on one side of the clitoris, while pulling the hood back. Make short, sweeping motions over her clitoris.
If you have music playing in the background, a popular trick is to over her clitoris in time with the beat.
Oral Sex: Cunnilingus
A lot of women find it hard to orgasm during penetration, for a variety of reasons. Often it’s because her clitoris isn’t being stimulated, and one way of remedying this is to try lots of new positions. But another way to ensure she has a good time before you even have sex is by going down on her. The gentle, wet pressure of your tongue will send her into heaven.
This isn’t to say that women prefer oral sex to penetration (actually most women prefer to orgasm through sex because they say it’s more emotionally charged), but her orgasm will be different. Giving her oral sex will also take the pressure off your penis to .
If cleanliness is an issue for you or you don’t like the taste, bathe or have a shower with her beforehand. You could also try incorporating food with oral sex (more on food later), such as chocolate sauce or ice cream.
There are various ways to give her oral sex: with her standing up and you kneeling in front of her, with her on all fours and you behind her, with her bent over a table and you behind her, with her legs spread over your face as you lie down, or with her on her back and you between her legs. There is also the famous sixty-nine position, the top and tail treat where you simultaneously give each other head.
When going down on her, keep in mind that you don’t need to suck her like a vacuum cleaner or nibble at her like a woodpecker. This will hurt her. A lot of men also seem to believe that repeatedly flicking your tongue is what she wants you to do. No! Try to imagine you’re kissing her mouth. Then what you need to do is find a rhythm with your tongue; make circles, write the alphabet, whatever. Find out what she likes! What makes her groan with pleasure? The thing is to hold the rhythm or adjust it accordingly, depending on her body language. Most women like a bit of variety so don’t use the same rhythm every time, or she’ll get bored. The biggest turn on for a woman during oral sex is sensing your enthusiasm, so make sure you enjoy the experience too.
While you are kissing and licking her, occasionally slide your hands over her torso and breasts to stimulate them. You can also insert a couple of fingers into her vagina. Some women also like having their anuses played with. If she likes it, run your finger around the outer rim or gently insert your (lubricated) little finger inside her. If you do this, wash your hands before returning to her vagina, as the bacteria may cause infection.
A woman’s clitoris is very sensitive and its size varies from woman to woman. Don’t go directly for it; tease her a little, moving your mouth around her labia and sucking very gently. Most likely, just before she’s about to come, she will press her thighs against your head and place her hands on the back. When she comes, don’t remove your mouth during her orgasm.
Keep in mind that unlike men who have one orgasm and need a break, a woman can come again and again in quick succession. This isn’t to say that you should expect her to, or that she has to in order to feel satisfied. But if she’s come during oral sex, take a break of a minute or so and then continue with your lovemaking. She may come again when you’re inside her.
Similar posts: casual dating
Women report their favorite part of sex is foreplay. So what exactly is foreplay? Its the kissing, touching and talking that comes before intercourse. All good seducers use foreplay, its necessary to ensure a memorable experience for her. In basic terms, the pleasure of foreplay lubricates her vagina to allow easy penetration for you, and brings her much closer to orgasm.
You will need to find out what your woman likes especially, and go from there. You should spend at least 15 minutes on foreplay, dont rush it. As it takes her longer to get excited, she needs lots of kissing and touching first.
Here are some great things you can incorporate into foreplay.
Taking a Bath
This can be a great form of foreplay, especially if you’ve been seeing each other for a while. (Make sure the bath is clean and you won’t be interrupted!) The warmth of the water makes you both feel relaxed and also extra clean. You can put aromatherapy oils in the bath to create a nice scent and make you both a bit slippery. Bubble bath can also be a nice touch, you can cover each other in foam.
You can put some body wash on a bath sponge and gently squeeze it over her body, moving the sponge in a circular motion. She’ll love the warm water running over her.
Massage
Massage is a great prelude to lovemaking. It initiates touch, relaxes her and makes her feel warm. If you have the energy and skill, you can give her a full body massage. Otherwise, have her lying on her stomach and give her a basic neck and back massage.
Before you start, make sure you use some kind of oil to make your hands run over her smoothly. Also rub your hands together first to warm them.
Start gently, massaging the top of her shoulders with the tips of your fingers. Now move your thumbs up the top on her spine, on each side of her vertebral column, and up the back of her neck. Focus on her pressure points, being careful not to be rough but applying enough pressure so that you’re kneading her skin gently.
With her arms, work your way up from the hands, squeeze and release, squeeze and release. An important massage technique is symmetry, treating both sides of her body equally.
If you like handling a woman’s foot, women adore foot massages. Don’t squeeze her feet as this will push the bones together and hurt her. Instead, use your thumbs to gently knead each part of her foot.
If a man is a good masseur, a woman should be putty in his hands. When she’s feeling completely relaxed, you can let your touches become caresses and start stroking her in a more sexual way.
Touching and kissing her
Remember each body part is an erogenous zone, so dont immediately start touching her between the legs. Always start with the kiss, and make sure youre somewhere you wont get interrupted (a ringing phone and the sound of your mothers voice on the answer machine is a big turn-off).
Kiss her gently at first, with controlled passion. If she gives you her tongue, it means shes turned on and wants to go further. Use your tongue a little bit (not forcing it into her mouth), and try sucking on her lips, one by one. When you know shes with you, start kissing other parts of her face - eyes, ears, and cheeks. These kisses are very reassuring for her. Then move down to her neck.
Now you can start touching her. Touch is very important because it tells her how skilled you will be in bed. It also tells you more about the shape of her body and how far shell let you go. If she wont let you feel her body, its not the time for sex. Start running your hands over her breasts, gently at first, and over the rest of her upper body.
You can start undressing her slowly, while not breaking the rhythm of your touching and kissing. If shes especially confident shell undress you too.
Massage the palm of her hand and suck on her fingers, then kiss your way up her arm back to her mouth. Gently nibble on her earlobe, kiss her ear and every so often gently insert your tongue. Some women dont like this but test her for her response because she may love it.
Now move your mouth down to her breasts. Suck on one nipple gently while massaging her other breast with your hand. After a while, change breasts. (Just before or during her period her breasts may be a bit tender, so you will need to be extra careful at this time.)
Hopefully by this time she is lying down on her back, her face flushed with pleasure and her eyes closed. Move your hand to stroke her stomach, then as you kiss her stomach move your hands down to start massaging her legs, her inner thighs and the sensitive bit of skin behind her knees. Stroke her calves, her ankles, massage her feet and suck gently on each of her toes. If shes ticklish, adjust your pressure.
All the way through this you can be talking to her in a low voice, if you wish, asking her how things feel and telling her how beautiful she is. Shell love it!
If you feel a bit grumpy about the fact youre doing all the work at this stage, think of it as priming her for later. If you do this first bit right, shell think youre fantastic and be more than willing to repay the favor later. Think about how much you want her to enjoy being with you, and how good shell feel when youre having sex with her.
If you know a guy who brags about how many women hes fucked, thats exactly what he means. It wasnt tender, it wasnt thoughtful, and the women involved probably didnt have such a great time. A man whos had a lot of partners isnt necessarily good in bed, just good at getting women to go to bed with him. You want the women you see to want to repeat the process! Its much better than starting again at square one.
By now she should be very wet before youve even touched her vagina. When you do start touching her between the legs, don’t go straight for the clitoris. Instead, run your thumbs up and down her labia, and just insert a finger into her. Tease her and drive her crazy. She’ll probably start making movements with her hips, just dying for more. A sign a woman is aroused when you manually stimulate her vagina is the sucking motion it begins to make. You will feel the walls close in a little around your fingers.
When you do make it to her clitoris, as it’s hidden under a hood you need to expose it a little bit. Do this by pressing your thumb on one side of the clitoris, while pulling the hood back. Make short, sweeping motions over her clitoris.
If you have music playing in the background, a popular trick is to over her clitoris in time with the beat.
Oral Sex: Cunnilingus
A lot of women find it hard to orgasm during penetration, for a variety of reasons. Often it’s because her clitoris isn’t being stimulated, and one way of remedying this is to try lots of new positions. But another way to ensure she has a good time before you even have sex is by going down on her. The gentle, wet pressure of your tongue will send her into heaven.
This isn’t to say that women prefer oral sex to penetration (actually most women prefer to orgasm through sex because they say it’s more emotionally charged), but her orgasm will be different. Giving her oral sex will also take the pressure off your penis to .
If cleanliness is an issue for you or you don’t like the taste, bathe or have a shower with her beforehand. You could also try incorporating food with oral sex (more on food later), such as chocolate sauce or ice cream.
There are various ways to give her oral sex: with her standing up and you kneeling in front of her, with her on all fours and you behind her, with her bent over a table and you behind her, with her legs spread over your face as you lie down, or with her on her back and you between her legs. There is also the famous sixty-nine position, the top and tail treat where you simultaneously give each other head.
When going down on her, keep in mind that you don’t need to suck her like a vacuum cleaner or nibble at her like a woodpecker. This will hurt her. A lot of men also seem to believe that repeatedly flicking your tongue is what she wants you to do. No! Try to imagine you’re kissing her mouth. Then what you need to do is find a rhythm with your tongue; make circles, write the alphabet, whatever. Find out what she likes! What makes her groan with pleasure? The thing is to hold the rhythm or adjust it accordingly, depending on her body language. Most women like a bit of variety so don’t use the same rhythm every time, or she’ll get bored. The biggest turn on for a woman during oral sex is sensing your enthusiasm, so make sure you enjoy the experience too.
While you are kissing and licking her, occasionally slide your hands over her torso and breasts to stimulate them. You can also insert a couple of fingers into her vagina. Some women also like having their anuses played with. If she likes it, run your finger around the outer rim or gently insert your (lubricated) little finger inside her. If you do this, wash your hands before returning to her vagina, as the bacteria may cause infection.
A woman’s clitoris is very sensitive and its size varies from woman to woman. Don’t go directly for it; tease her a little, moving your mouth around her labia and sucking very gently. Most likely, just before she’s about to come, she will press her thighs against your head and place her hands on the back. When she comes, don’t remove your mouth during her orgasm.
Keep in mind that unlike men who have one orgasm and need a break, a woman can come again and again in quick succession. This isn’t to say that you should expect her to, or that she has to in order to feel satisfied. But if she’s come during oral sex, take a break of a minute or so and then continue with your lovemaking. She may come again when you’re inside her.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:Good
- Music:Tokio Hotel
If you guys have been to any social setting such as bars or clubs, or on easy cases, finished high school, then you know that having social proof is king. Social Proof is the key strategy "Naturals" use without them knowing it. When I didn't know what I was doing, all I knew was becoming mister popular was who I had to become. Just like an attractive piece of stock, social proof creates a bidding war between women and people around you, thus giving you a power card to use.
What are the benefits of social proof?
- Value Affirmation (Yes, of course, value. People in social settings are visual. They see you with other cool people; your perceived value increases)
- Gaining Allies (Strength in numbers)no matter what people say, a group of 10 can defeat a group of 2. One of the main goals for massive social proofing is to gain countless allies - girls who will help further the seduction, girls that will make you look even more desirable, girls who will cockblock for you, guys who will offer to "back you up" and protect you, buy you drinks, and tell HER you're the man. I once did Social Proofing SO WELL at this club that the entire group WENT HOME SIMULTANEOUSLY! I was shocked! They liked me so much that they were happy for their friend to be taken home by yours truly.
- An increase in CHOICES and OPTIONS - when you're starving and you get one dish, you NEED it. Put yourself in a Las Vegas buffet and you could care less about the outcome because you've got too many choices. This allows you to screen, taste-test, and eventually make a smarter choice when it comes to women you'll meet in a bar or night club.
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE when guys approach and meet women in social settings is that they pay too much importance to the progression of the interaction. They initially start good but then they continue to occupy the person's time too much and become more like a nuisance in thought. It gets to the point where the woman's saying - "Who is this person?", "Why is this person talking to me?" or "When will this guy leave?"
If you've received some phone or skype coaching or have taken any of my workshops, you'll soon find out that in a social setting, it is best to hit and move. Like a kickboxer you get better with movement and flexibility, not putting a big deal on any of your interactions.
1) Always approach a group FIRST over a single woman - having a group by your side as allies communicates just so much more value.
2) When you introduce yourself, speak out your name LOUD and CLEAR - you don't want to be remembered as "that dude" or "I don't know who he is" - guy. If the venue is so loud, make a funny "code name" by putting a fun word in front of your name like "Rocking Richy" or "Nibbling Nico" or "Talladega Troy" as this makes a quick reference every time they see you and they will make an effort to remember your name and even better your code name.
3) Take time to ask logistical group hierarchy questions such as "You guys seem like you're having boatloads of fun, what's the occasion?" or "Who's the birthday girl?" Remember KEY NAMES (plug it down your Blackberry or iPhone if needed be) because later on, you'll need them.
4) Now open up your initial conversations, talk briefly, and like a confident likable person END your conversations at a high point, then move on and continue your activities. End your conversation with the group with "You guys are cool, I'll see ya later"
5) As you move on to another group and start chatting with them. Take the time to wave, raise your glass, or otherwise gesture towards the initial group you talked to somewhere in the middle of the chat.
6) Learn how to put the other group "on hold" by saying "Hold on for a minute, my buddy Tara is calling meisn't she adorable?" pointing to the first group. You then walk over to them re-initiating. This creates Social-Proof Magic!
Those are just a few guidelines and there is much more to it. If you apply our technique, you can dominate any venue and get instant social proof - just like that. This is no magic pill or PUA stuff, this is the real deal as it allows you to be yourself and become incredibly successful with all women. What are you still waiting for.
Similar posts: casual dating
What are the benefits of social proof?
- Value Affirmation (Yes, of course, value. People in social settings are visual. They see you with other cool people; your perceived value increases)
- Gaining Allies (Strength in numbers)no matter what people say, a group of 10 can defeat a group of 2. One of the main goals for massive social proofing is to gain countless allies - girls who will help further the seduction, girls that will make you look even more desirable, girls who will cockblock for you, guys who will offer to "back you up" and protect you, buy you drinks, and tell HER you're the man. I once did Social Proofing SO WELL at this club that the entire group WENT HOME SIMULTANEOUSLY! I was shocked! They liked me so much that they were happy for their friend to be taken home by yours truly.
- An increase in CHOICES and OPTIONS - when you're starving and you get one dish, you NEED it. Put yourself in a Las Vegas buffet and you could care less about the outcome because you've got too many choices. This allows you to screen, taste-test, and eventually make a smarter choice when it comes to women you'll meet in a bar or night club.
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE when guys approach and meet women in social settings is that they pay too much importance to the progression of the interaction. They initially start good but then they continue to occupy the person's time too much and become more like a nuisance in thought. It gets to the point where the woman's saying - "Who is this person?", "Why is this person talking to me?" or "When will this guy leave?"
If you've received some phone or skype coaching or have taken any of my workshops, you'll soon find out that in a social setting, it is best to hit and move. Like a kickboxer you get better with movement and flexibility, not putting a big deal on any of your interactions.
1) Always approach a group FIRST over a single woman - having a group by your side as allies communicates just so much more value.
2) When you introduce yourself, speak out your name LOUD and CLEAR - you don't want to be remembered as "that dude" or "I don't know who he is" - guy. If the venue is so loud, make a funny "code name" by putting a fun word in front of your name like "Rocking Richy" or "Nibbling Nico" or "Talladega Troy" as this makes a quick reference every time they see you and they will make an effort to remember your name and even better your code name.
3) Take time to ask logistical group hierarchy questions such as "You guys seem like you're having boatloads of fun, what's the occasion?" or "Who's the birthday girl?" Remember KEY NAMES (plug it down your Blackberry or iPhone if needed be) because later on, you'll need them.
4) Now open up your initial conversations, talk briefly, and like a confident likable person END your conversations at a high point, then move on and continue your activities. End your conversation with the group with "You guys are cool, I'll see ya later"
5) As you move on to another group and start chatting with them. Take the time to wave, raise your glass, or otherwise gesture towards the initial group you talked to somewhere in the middle of the chat.
6) Learn how to put the other group "on hold" by saying "Hold on for a minute, my buddy Tara is calling meisn't she adorable?" pointing to the first group. You then walk over to them re-initiating. This creates Social-Proof Magic!
Those are just a few guidelines and there is much more to it. If you apply our technique, you can dominate any venue and get instant social proof - just like that. This is no magic pill or PUA stuff, this is the real deal as it allows you to be yourself and become incredibly successful with all women. What are you still waiting for.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:smile
- Music:Craig David
Nowadays, more and more people are looking for casual encounters. What does casual encounters mean for them?
Some female are not interested in Sex when they are getting old, but they do not want to end their current marriage. So they allow their husbands to look for some casual encounters. It can save their marriage. In this way, casual encounters means casual sex for them.
For singles, casual encounters means casual romance. Whatever relationships they are looking for, casual encounters are a very romance relationships for them. They can looking for many casual encounters and meet many many different persons. That is very interesting. They may find their right person in their life when looking for casual encounters. There are many interesting success stories for people finding quality casual encounters.
Casual encounters is an very romantic thing for people relationships, right? But how to look for quality casual encounters?
Internet provides a very easy plat for people looking for casual encounters. They can find many many casual encounters on the internet. If you are looking for casual encounters, I recommend the intimate dating club for casual encounters . It has the largest database of singles and married people. It can help you find your romantic casual encounters safely.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:hangry
- Music:Justin Timberlake
Since I've been the Guide to Dating here at About.com I've blogged about first date sex a fair amount. The topic seems to be a favorite among researchers and pollsters these past few years, and since all of you are always willing and ready to chime in on the topic, I wanted to share some new research on the debate. This time the information comes from Adults Only List, an adult sex dating site that is still in its beta testing phase. Their findings show that, out of the 20,000 female users they polled, 34% would wait less than one date (or six hours) before having sex with someone they'd just met. The bias in these findings is obvious, as the main page of the Adults Only List website only houses three major categories of users: casual encounters, gay and alternative.
Similar posts: casual dating
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:cry
- Music:PaPa RoAch
Since I've been the Guide to Dating here at About.com I've blogged about first date sex a fair amount. The topic seems to be a favorite among researchers and pollsters these past few years, and since all of you are always willing and ready to chime in on the topic, I wanted to share some new research on the debate. This time the information comes from Adults Only List, an adult sex dating site that is still in its beta testing phase. Their findings show that, out of the 20,000 female users they polled, 34% would wait less than one date (or six hours) before having sex with someone they'd just met. The bias in these findings is obvious, as the main page of the Adults Only List website only houses three major categories of users: casual encounters, gay and alternative.
Similar posts: casual dating
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:bad
- Music:Black Eyed Peas
For make easier, in this article I dont tell between them; in Article 64: Adultery shall be punishable (subject to HAAD) when the adulterer or the adulteress is of age, sane, in control of his or her action and cognizant of the illicit nature of his or her act. Legislator define ZINA; Ways to prove adultery in court are: 1) confession this way state in Article 68: If a man or a woman repeats his or her confession of adultery four lashes before the judge, he or she shall receive the designated punishment, but if he or she repeats his or her confession fewer than four lashes, the punishment shall be at the judge’s discretion. 2) Testimony this way state in Article 74: Adultery, whether punishable by flogging or stoning, may be proven by the testimony of four just men or that of three just men and two just women. And Article 75: If adultery is punishable only by flogging it can be proven by the testimony of two just men and four just women. Also I must say according to Article 76: The testimony of women alone or in conjunction with the testimony of only one just man shall not prove adultery but it shall constitute false accusation which is a punishable act. the testimony of women alone or in conjunction with the testimony of only one just man shall not prove adultery, because Islamic jurisconsult say women are sentiment and they can think well so cant accept their testimony with out men in important cases and in these cases their problem in think eliminate with increase their number for testimony, so two woman are equal with a man.
Similar posts: casual dating
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:Very good
- Music:Moby
Just Launched: The free, weekly email newsletter from Lad Lifestyle.
Heres the pitch: Each week, we would like to send you one email that includes exclusive offers on things Lads love (i.e. they arent going to be shown on the site to any Tom, Dick or Harry!), plus a round-up of the weeks best content. If that wasnt enough, content made especially for the newsletter will be in there - maybe a video, maybe an article or joke - but it wont be on the main LadLifestyle.com site.
Want a special package like that each week? Just pop your email address in the sidebar to the right, and youll be registered. Dont worry, no shennanigans, we wont sell your info! Questions? Email matt@ladlifestyle.com.
UPDATE: A little issue with registration verifying has been fixed. Sorry for any inconvenience, and thanks for those who wrote in.
Similar posts: casual dating
Heres the pitch: Each week, we would like to send you one email that includes exclusive offers on things Lads love (i.e. they arent going to be shown on the site to any Tom, Dick or Harry!), plus a round-up of the weeks best content. If that wasnt enough, content made especially for the newsletter will be in there - maybe a video, maybe an article or joke - but it wont be on the main LadLifestyle.com site.
Want a special package like that each week? Just pop your email address in the sidebar to the right, and youll be registered. Dont worry, no shennanigans, we wont sell your info! Questions? Email matt@ladlifestyle.com.
UPDATE: A little issue with registration verifying has been fixed. Sorry for any inconvenience, and thanks for those who wrote in.
Similar posts: casual dating
- Mood:smile
- Music:Sum 41
