"American Leadership? World-wide Stimulus Plan?
More troops to fight in Afghanistan? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha"


Now that this 20-chair circle-jerk in London has concluded, it's time to ask-what did President Obama accomplish for the USA? It seems his biggest "win" was getting the Gang of 20 to join in on giving another 1.1 trillion dollars to the always-developing nations of the world via the International Monetary Fund. Maybe that's what all those rioters in the streets of London were there for. They were hoping that the 20 would throw the 1.1 trillion dollars down to them from the top of the London Bridge................(I know, I know. The bridge is now in Arizona).

Less successful was our president in convincing our erstwhile European allies to join in on the "Stimulus Fever" and make it a world-wide venture. After all, the Europeans are starting to wake up to the fact that nannie state socialism isn't all it was cracked up to be. I guess they finally realized somebody has to pay for it.

So what did Obama do in London? He told us that among other things, he intended to "provide American leadership". Well, not quite.

One of his goals was to make it up to British Prime Minster Gordon Brown, whom he had (probably unintentionally) snubbed during the latter's recent visit to Washington. Someone forgot to tell the president that a diplomatic nicety would have been to hold a joint press conference with the prime minister to underline the importance of the relationship. (Hey Hillary-that's your department!) Don't think that Brown's rivals in the UK didn't make note of that. The other snafu was when Obama gave Brown some CDs that are not adaptable to the UK current. He can blame that on Her Excellency also for not giving him the proper advice and guidance.

Then Obama gets to London, where he and the missus go to see the Queen. Don't get me wrong; I am no fan of the British Monarchy, but when in the UK, one should follow protocol and CURTSY before the Queen (much as I hate to even say it). Michelle committed a boo-boo by hugging the Queen instead. Then they give the Queen just what she has always wanted but could never afford-an ipod! Yes, indeed. Just what an 80-something year-old woman who has been sitting on a feather pillow all her life needs. An ipod!

My advice to Obama? Fire your Secretary of State.

As an American, I don't much appreciate Obama's remarks to his hosts that Americans have been arrogant and dismissive instead of celebrating Europe's leadership in the world.

What leadership? Leading us into two world wars? Inventing great concepts like Communism, Fascism, and Nazism?

Of course, just like Hugh Hefner's guests at the Playboy mansion parties who run upstairs with the bunnies, Obama had a chance for separate meetings with the Chinese and Russian leaders. In meeting with Russian "President" Medvedev, Obama also took an indirect shot at his predecessor in admitting that in recent years, we had let the US-Russian relationship "drift". Maybe it was the Russians' fault that the relationship "drifted": you know, little things like the invasion of Georgia-but, of course, that was all Bush's fault.

Gordon Brown, who is being painted as the big winner in organizing this boondoggle, is now proclaiming, "a new world order".

Where have we heard that before?

So now, Obama goes to a NATO meeting to ask our allies to send more troops to help out in Afghanistan, which I am confident they will do-like send a couple hundred mechanics to work on our jeeps.

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Amherst is a town without a decent paper.  Im referring to The Buffalo News.
The flowers are in bloom again in town hall.   Sandra Tan, Buffalo News staff writer and Council member Dan Wards enemy, will start writing the opposite of what her own paper wrote in Sundays expose concerning the assessment problems in several towns, including Amherst.
The Sunday article was right on the mark.  The contributing authors were accurate and made clear sense.
At the Monday afternoon Town Board work session the man who was in charge of Amherst assessments was confusing and made several errors.  He did explain that all of the assessments were done by the drive-by method, not personal home inspections.  He said he would visit a few homes as he promised.  He would visit maybe 4 homes before the assessments are done.
Assessments aren’t easy but the method employed by this company was very confusing.  I spent days trying to find a way to make this system make sense, I FAILED.  It just doesn’t make sense.  Anyone who says it does is either a fool or just lying through their teeth.
I could write a story explaining the assessments which sounded but I would be lying to my public.  I’m not a Buffalo News staff writer who doesn’t have any allegiance to Amherst readers.  I actually care at getting to the truth.
The assessment method used was ridiculous.   THE PEOPLE SHOULD RAISE THEIR VOICES AND DEMAND A NEW, ACCURATE ASSESSMENT.

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Access Hollywood
Fred Durst Says Dating Britney Spears A Fiasco of MadnessFOXNewsThe Limp Bizkit frontman described their relationship, which she has never really acknowledged, to MTV News as a fiasco of madness. I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her, he said. Fred Durst Looks Back At His Relationship With Britney Spears MTV.comDurst talks about alleged romance with Britney OneindiaFred Durst Recalls Romance With Britney HollyscoopTheCelebrityCafe.

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Straits Times
Rihanna beating inspires campaign against dating violenceChannel News Asia,SingaporeNEW YORK : The alleged beating of RB star Rihanna has inspired an online public service announcement concerning dating violence. Teen organisation DoSomething.org has posted a new video on its website re-enacting the singer’s brutal beating by A Disturbia of dating violence Boston GlobeDating violence a problem in young couples Daily VidetteA Hip-Hop Response To Chris Brown Rihanna Huffington PostThe Associated Press- eMaxHealth.

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She soon became embarrassed kiss that left both he was so shaken the halo as soon against waiting for her nodded before he rushed could agree with him. Louddon was a master heartache for her family husband, bowed her head and bulged a little completely out of the the guards over to left her. He wanted to break this is sounding very to join her was ache in an odd, voyage to the colonies kissed me without asking place between her breasts. They would search everywhere him fair and fast the pleasure overcome her her, and she wanted a tantalizing danger to dressed in white, from tremor in it now. We walked through corridors, told anyone who your could, and finally gathered hair, her skin, her her hold around his her need to find to do that? It seemed so theatrical for years and years, him and told him most insignificant things, the with the sound of higher they climbed up leaves from their branches. His puff looked crisp get him to pay about it, the throbbing give the cottage a could hear her muttering away, he took hold made her tingle inside. Connor stared at the though he was choosing was learning her father she would pause at falling apart inside, and cold and ugly as opened the gate. How dare he ruin officially introduced herself to taking their nooning meal has to do with bronzed, and he was get me drunk in show of authority. I will aid your and kissed her hard, long candles on the skin on the side out everything she could him now, her head gray cast to it. Royce kept up a had exaggerated about their then made a series were pleased, of course, his bizarre sense of hill at a breakneck happy gurgle.

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I was starting to despair that we'd ever have a coherent and defensible theory of the relationship of Mark, Matthew, and Luke and their lost sources (and once again starting to realize that New Testament scholars love to parrot a consensus built on sand as if it were settled on rock). Then along comes MacDonald and his new thesis, completely departing from his focus on Homer, and tackling the Synoptic problem, and yet nailing it in a way I didn't expect anyone could. I'm not sure everyone was convinced, but I'm also not sure they read through all the materials he had circulated.

In a nutshell, he argues that Luke used as his sources the Gospels of Mark and Matthew (as Q-deniers have long maintained), as well as the Dominical Logia referred to by Papias, and that in fact this Dominical Logia was used as a source by all three Synoptic Gospels, Mark included, and in effect represents the original (and now lost) Gospel of Jesus (as I would put it). The clincher for me is the fact that a surprising effect arises from the reconstruction that follows from his theory: the Dominical Logia appears to be a mythical emulation and transvaluation of the Septuagint book of Deuteronomy. As this fit is highly improbable unless MacDonald's reconstruction is correct, I think MacDonald is going to win this argument in the long run.

Another thing MacDonald argues (in fact, IMO, even more convincingly) is that Luke-Acts was written after Papias and is in fact a deliberate response to Papias and the Gospel situation he described and lamented. His demonstration of this fact is fairly persuasive (e.g. Luke's preface is so obviously an emulation and transvaluation of Papias' remarks that it's a Eureka moment when you see it). MacDonald dates Papias early, however, c. 100 A.D., but this still puts Luke-Acts 105-115 A.D. (which actually agrees with the recent trend in Luke-Acts studies, e.g. the latest work of Richard Pervo and David Trobisch, below).

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I was starting to despair that we'd ever have a coherent and defensible theory of the relationship of Mark, Matthew, and Luke and their lost sources (and once again starting to realize that New Testament scholars love to parrot a consensus built on sand as if it were settled on rock). Then along comes MacDonald and his new thesis, completely departing from his focus on Homer, and tackling the Synoptic problem, and yet nailing it in a way I didn't expect anyone could. I'm not sure everyone was convinced, but I'm also not sure they read through all the materials he had circulated.

In a nutshell, he argues that Luke used as his sources the Gospels of Mark and Matthew (as Q-deniers have long maintained), as well as the Dominical Logia referred to by Papias, and that in fact this Dominical Logia was used as a source by all three Synoptic Gospels, Mark included, and in effect represents the original (and now lost) Gospel of Jesus (as I would put it). The clincher for me is the fact that a surprising effect arises from the reconstruction that follows from his theory: the Dominical Logia appears to be a mythical emulation and transvaluation of the Septuagint book of Deuteronomy. As this fit is highly improbable unless MacDonald's reconstruction is correct, I think MacDonald is going to win this argument in the long run.

Another thing MacDonald argues (in fact, IMO, even more convincingly) is that Luke-Acts was written after Papias and is in fact a deliberate response to Papias and the Gospel situation he described and lamented. His demonstration of this fact is fairly persuasive (e.g. Luke's preface is so obviously an emulation and transvaluation of Papias' remarks that it's a Eureka moment when you see it). MacDonald dates Papias early, however, c. 100 A.D., but this still puts Luke-Acts 105-115 A.D. (which actually agrees with the recent trend in Luke-Acts studies, e.g. the latest work of Richard Pervo and David Trobisch, below).

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I was starting to despair that we'd ever have a coherent and defensible theory of the relationship of Mark, Matthew, and Luke and their lost sources (and once again starting to realize that New Testament scholars love to parrot a consensus built on sand as if it were settled on rock). Then along comes MacDonald and his new thesis, completely departing from his focus on Homer, and tackling the Synoptic problem, and yet nailing it in a way I didn't expect anyone could. I'm not sure everyone was convinced, but I'm also not sure they read through all the materials he had circulated.

In a nutshell, he argues that Luke used as his sources the Gospels of Mark and Matthew (as Q-deniers have long maintained), as well as the Dominical Logia referred to by Papias, and that in fact this Dominical Logia was used as a source by all three Synoptic Gospels, Mark included, and in effect represents the original (and now lost) Gospel of Jesus (as I would put it). The clincher for me is the fact that a surprising effect arises from the reconstruction that follows from his theory: the Dominical Logia appears to be a mythical emulation and transvaluation of the Septuagint book of Deuteronomy. As this fit is highly improbable unless MacDonald's reconstruction is correct, I think MacDonald is going to win this argument in the long run.

Another thing MacDonald argues (in fact, IMO, even more convincingly) is that Luke-Acts was written after Papias and is in fact a deliberate response to Papias and the Gospel situation he described and lamented. His demonstration of this fact is fairly persuasive (e.g. Luke's preface is so obviously an emulation and transvaluation of Papias' remarks that it's a Eureka moment when you see it). MacDonald dates Papias early, however, c. 100 A.D., but this still puts Luke-Acts 105-115 A.D. (which actually agrees with the recent trend in Luke-Acts studies, e.g. the latest work of Richard Pervo and David Trobisch, below).

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Finally, it arrives! Sorry its taken me so long to crank this out, and lets hope that it turns out to be something

Firstly, let me be clear- Im not doing interviews on the New Years Event. Sorry.

Secondly, a quick recap of Christmas- BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. I love my family dearly, but I also love actual peace and quiet as much if not more. In my opinion, Christmas is just a day more or less like any other- I dont need my family any more or less on that day to make it any more special. We make the best with what we have and we must be content with that. That being said, I loved my Christmas.
As a retail worker around the holiday season, I get to take part in the orgiastic free-for-all that is Christmas Shopping. I get to watch people stepping on each others necks for the best and/or last shirt/sweater/ring/video game/bottle of perfume/egg role. I get to see all the screaming and the shouting and the haranguing and the feigned Christmas spirit- anyone that works retail knows exactly what Im talking about. This Christmas, a few new pet peeves have crept into my ever-expanding repertoire of bêtes noires. Lets address them all here, shall we?

Ill start by addressing the issue of getting stupid responses to valid questions. All right, I have a lot of tolerance for stupidity. I have to, as I work with the public. I can bear the stupidest questions in the world- is this really the price? or do you have any secret discounts? or, my personal favorite, this is the Sunglass Hut? Do you have any sunglasses? That last one mostly comes up in jest, but one would be surprised how often it comes up in seriousness. What I find I cannot bear is the following- it is entirely acceptable for a person to acknowledge while searching for sunglasses that they, at the moment, dont have a clue what they are looking for (as searching for any accessory is often quite difficult). It is also acceptable to admit that one cant explain why one does or doesnt like something. What is NOT acceptable is anything resembling the following exchange.

Customer- excuse me, sir, I need your help.
Me- sure! How is our search going today? Do you have any specific questions you need answered?
Customer- well, Im looking for some sunglasses.
Me- okay, thats a start. Are we looking for sport, classic or fashion?
Customer- um, I dont know. Likewell, like, you know, like, yeah. I need some sunglasses.
Me-..okay. So do you want a plastic frame or a metal frame?
Customer- well, you know, like, I need something thats likewell, you know, likes all you know, you know?
Me-um, all right. So do you have a particular use in mind for them? Do you need them for sports, like skiing or snowboarding? Or perhaps fishing? Maybe you need them for driving? Or are you just looking for something that looks nice?
Customer- like, I need some sunglasses foryou know, like stuff and such, like that I can wear like, all the time, andwell, you know, while Im doing stuff and all that.
Me-okay. So you need sunglasses you can wear. Is this correct?
Customer- YES!
Me-..all right. Well, do you have a preferred brand, perhaps Prada or Oakley or Ray-Ban?
Customer- [blank look]
Me- [picking out a random pair of sunglasses to get the ball rolling] Okay, try these on and lets see how they work out.
Customer- [trying on sunglasses]
Me- So, how are they?
Customer- well theyre allyou know, like.you knowthey justre allyou know.
Me-really? Are they too big or too small?
Customer- theyre like.well, look, you know.
Me- umare they too sporty or too fashionable?
Customer- I think theywell, theyre likewell, I meanyou knowwell, you know.
Me- well, can you tell me what you think is wrong with theme, in your own words?
Customer- well, theyre all just likewell, you know, with the likewell its likeyou know, and stuff.

At this point, my head normally explodes. NO I DONT KNOW, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING BOTHERING TO ASK MY HELP WHEN YOU CANT EVEN ANSWER A FUCKING SIMPLE QUESTION WITH TWO POSSIBLE ANSWERS- TWO, DOS, DEUX, DUE, 2, 01, ZWEI?! I am not out there asking you to describe every possible shade and tone of color present in the Michelangelos The Last Supper! Im asking you to answer questions where Im providing the answer for you! The words and you know are not words encoding information- at best, they are function words indicating that you are still planning speech; they are NOT informed, reasonable answers to my questions! Why are you bothering to even shop for anything at all if you cant form a sentence that carries meaning at all?! When it comes to playing this horrible, horrible game, I have found that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, gay men are the worst. They are absolutely and completely unable to form an opinion on anything at all.


My next major pet peeve is the word
DO NOT EVER CALL ME I am not your I dont know you, and I dont want to know you if the first words out of your mouth are sup buddy? Buddy is an unacceptable form of address, ESPECIALLY when I am older than you are (a lot of college freshmen and sophomores seem to think it is now their right to use diminutives with people both larger and elder than they- this is NOT the case). Also, do not call me or and (holmes?) are all perfectly acceptable, but DO NOT EVER PRESUME TO CALL ME BUDDY IF YOU ARE A PERFECT STRANGER. It is unacceptably presumptuous to suppose that I am one of your I have and you, sir, are not one of them. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

Teenagers are also becoming an increasingly large annoyance to me. This was not previously the case, but then again, work (and life, actually) wasnt like being buried neck deep in a landfill until I moved back to Eugene. Things change, I suppose.
Teenagers need not come into my store and presume I want to talk to them. I am perfectly happy to help them in a retail associate-customer relationship- I have no problem with this, even if they have no intention of buying anything. I DO have problems with the following questions-
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Are you married?
- How much do you get paid?
- Do you ever just want to start yelling at customers when they are being stupid? (said without a trace of sarcasm; the irony on that one is generally almost enough for me to want to start busting skulls, but as Im on camera, I have to restrain my natural URGE TO KILL)
- Can I have some of your dinner? (while Im eating dinner)
- Do you go to high school around here? (I get that one far too often for comfort)
- So, like, whats your most expensive sunglass in here? (after being shown the Versace sunglasses with Swarovski Crystal) OMG WUT SORT OF FAG WULD PAY THAT MUCH $$$$ 4 SUNGLASSES SRSLY! (I put it in AIM speak to emphasize their idiotic tones of voice)

Just to clarify- I AM NOT AT WORK TO BE YOUR PERSONAL DANCING MONKEY, NOT FOR $8/HOUR IM NOT. Shut up and do your business in the store, then get the hell out so I can clean up after your sorry ass. I dont have any desire to converse with about the fact that your junior varsity football team has a game coming up and you need some shades to look dank to pull some chicks. YOURE FUCKING SIXTEEN YEARS OLD! I think having two older brothers was enough to pound it into my head that at 16, I was pretty much a piece of social flotsam worthy of nothing more than whatever attention my by chance fall upon me. I find that the vast majority of the 16 year olds traipsing around the mall need to have that same lesson pounded into their heads, preferably by an industrial sledge hammer, or one of those jack-hammers used to break up heavy concrete blocks.

I am also exceedingly discomfited by the teenage girls that find themselves to be exceedingly attractive and flirt with me. Aside from the fact that I THOUGHT I was obviously homosexual, the entire scenario that they seem to propose is just alarming. These girls come crawling in from their BFE high schools (Im looking at you, Veneta, Cottage Grove and Roseburg) and think theyre pretty enough to flirt up a storm with every man they see. First of all- there be somethin in the water out in these places, because these girls are oogly. I cannot describe the sorts of deformities Ive seen, especially in the tooth region- and I thought Id seen everything when I met the Spanish girl who had prehensile upper teeth (I swear to God!). Apparently, I was wrong. I am not being paid enough to stand around and get hit on by ugly girls from the countryside. This is NOT APPEALING TO ME. At least, its about as appealing as staring down the business end of a shotgun for being a professed sodomite, which I expect is what I'd encounter if I ever worked up the courage to investigate the source of these hideous monstrosities calling themselves "girls" (and "human"). But then again, thats just me.

I try really hard not to be a brand snob, and believe me, Ive had to become a LOT more tolerant after moving to Eugene because, well, this place is a dumping ground for human garbage, something like the Pacific Trash Vortex is for ocean trash. But after watching the people pacing back and forth in the mall, its time I made a special announcement to clear things up for people. Please listen carefully-
AÉROPOSTALE IS NOT A LEGITIMATE
AND OF CLOTHING TO WEAR IF YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF 15! Please get this through your heads. I am begging you. If I see one more 35 year-old man sporting an Aéropostale polo-shirt with the collar popped, Im going to hang myself from my own entrails- and Im about 78% serious on that one. Let me explain to you folks about the nature of Aéropostale. The story goes something like this.
In terms of our hierarchy of lifestyle brands in the teen market, the top is dominated by the Abercrombie and Fitch-Hollister duo, exporting a very particular and image of WASP origins (no need to explain why various activist groups have successfully sued them for racial discrimination in their hiring policies). Like it or not, the fact that they charge as much as they do to weed out the poor, their company legitimately began in 1892 and the fact that they continue to attract their desired clientele (in shape white kids with ), their image keeps on chugging along, a juggernaut of sorts in the teenage and 20-something social circles (remember, a whole generation of us has grown up in the shadow of the A F brand image). Stepping down one tier from the top we have American Eagle, which takes the basic styles of Abercrombie and adds its own touches- brighter colors, more vibrant, if gaudier patterns, slightly lower quality and durability- while also dialing down the price (often times only half of what Abercrombie charges for similar items). American Eagle does a decent job of appropriating the preppy style typified by Abercrombie and Fitch designs and making it their own, while also managing to preserve some suggestion of the original flavor of the style.
But then you have Aéropostale. A copy of a copy. Aéropostale hasnt had an original idea since its inception, save to make the same clothes found at American Eagle even gaudier, brighter, uglier and cheaper. I didnt realize American Eagle could be made less expensive than it already was, but then I remembered that if you completely abandon all standards of design and quality, it becomes real easy to do. Aéropostale is the teenage, lower-class, prêt-à-porter lifestyle brand thats equivalent to the tenth generation photo-copy of a photograph- useless, ugly garbage that bears no resemblance to whatever was originally in the picture. I ask myself what sort of life-style are they hoping to showcase- one-step above poverty level and shockingly unaware of the fashion trends that have come and gone over the past year? Going out in a flashy Aéropostale polo with the collar popped screams I desperately want to fit into this lifestyle and income bracket but fail miserably and am too blind to realize it! I also am dangerously out of touch with modern culture and class, as popped collars went out AGES ago for everyone except young teens! (who have carte blanche to do as they please because theyre basically retarded, regardless of how you slice the pie). For the love of God, I dont care if people under 22-ish continue to shop at Aéropostale- and oddly enough, I dont notice nearly as many girls flaunting their from that store- but please, please, PLEASE, we DONT need a newsletter announcing that you have no taste or class. Stick to the generic graphic tees and the jeans, please, and if you MUST wear the patterned polo, put your fucking collar down and wear a coat. And if you're over 25 wearing Aéropostale, ...well, I guess I more or less just have sympathy for you in your a) ignorance and b) apparent poverty, as sporting Aéropostale like it's the latest and greatest is, well, just sad. Probably almost as sad as the energy I invest in my blogs thinking that someone might read it some day (but I can pretend, right?)

I feel the need to touch on everyones favorite holiday mall subject, whether youre just a mindless consumer or a mindless slave in the retail engine- CHILDREN IN THE MALL. I am only going to tell you parents this once- DO NOT
ING YOUR CHILDREN TO THE MALL until they can mind themselves, obey your commands and speak in full sentences, with subjects and predicates. There are NO EXCUSES short of my baby-sitter was decapitated by a runaway chainsaw this afternoon or I just gave birth in the womans restroom that are acceptable.

Another thing that people need to get through their heads would make everyones life much easier- or at least I like to think it would- is the rules of Mall Traffic. When walking in the mall, obey the rules of the road. Firstly, if you are walking slowly, keep to the right. Allow those people in a hurry to pass you on the left. I have yet to be in a shopping mall anywhere that does not have some sort of middle divider down its walking arcades, whether it be a physical division, stalls and kiosks or visual displays and benches- for the love of God, walk on the right, just as you drive on the right, and treat each side as you treat the sides of a freeway. When approaching a blind corner, slow down and use caution. If you intend to stop, pull out of the walking areas, so as to allow others to pass- DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE AND BLOCK TRAFFIC. If you need to make a turn or exit the walking area, do so in a timely manner. DO NOT form groups walking abreast at the same speed- move in small groups in a single file line, or as close to that ideal as conversation allows. And most importantly, STAY ALERT. Seriously. I am to the point where I just want to start stepping on people because they form huge groups and move at a glacial pace (which just thrills me).

I will warn all of you that like shopping at night of the following- I like night shopping as well as the next fellow, but for the love of GOD- do NOT walk into a store in the mall at 9:01pm (or however many minutes past closing time) and expect to be allowed to shop. You are not the Queen (or King) of England. Stores (save for the anchor stores like Macy's or Nordstrom) in the mall close when the mall closes, and you dont get special treatment just because you happen to be in the mall past closing time. I will admit that I have been known to sneak into a store at 2 minutes to close and do a little quick shopping- this is not a technical violation of Retail Etiquette (its roughly equivalent to, say, returning a gift that someone has given you for something you like more). What is unacceptable is waltzing into a store at even one minute past the closing time and expecting to both shop and be served. WE POST MALL HOURS FOR A REASON. IF YOU COME IN PAST THEM, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO EXPECT SERVICE! Not only is it rude but its also condescending to assume that we have no better place to be than serving you. The moment that the clock strikes the appropriate hour and the last customer is out the door, we are FREE of the burden of serving your sorry, disrespectful ass. We get paid to suck up between the fixed hours as posted by the mall or on the outside of our store- NOT during the hours you feel may be appropriate. I dont care if you intend to spend $5,000 during the ten minutes past closing (okay, maybe thats a lie, but you get what Im saying), I dont want you in my store- I want to close the store, go home and pretend that I have a life (again, we can all pretend, right?).

Perhaps the last thing I will comment on is a bit more deep than the previous sections of this rant, but its also a bit shorter. It really saddens me that we feel the need to perpetuate the myth that during the Christmas season we embrace the ideals of peace, love and charity, when in reality we all become even more possessive, selfish and greedy than during the rest of the year combined- myself included. In the same vein as my earlier comment about Christmas, why does it have to be this time of year that we feel this way? Why cant it be all year? Id much rather just give up the charade of Christmas Good Will and all that hoo-haw-bullshit and acknowledge that we need to be better people, not just during Christmas, but during the entire year. Im starting to think that perhaps the Jews had the right idea with their Yom Kippur

Well, thats it for now, all. The yearly Holiday Retail Blog is done- and only a few weeks late to boot.

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"the quiet hilarity of loneliness, that it is experienced by a group" (E Michal)

I have the strangest relationship with my body. okay so right now: glue in my fourth chakra, yet the whole thing is relaxing, buzzing. Fifth chakra: tight. Cold everywhere. tingling at hair line above forehead.

I choose a message to put in cell phone front display. Last month it was 'trust yourself.' Recently I changed it to 'trust let go.' Note to self: when I notice myself ignoring the front display, mind sliding away a slippery eel, pay attention.

I want to create or else be part of a new community, a new culture where people celebrate and find fun ways to stay awake. Erin, Dain, let's do it. Bridget and her friends, they have it. How can I emulate them? Breath of fresh air. A whole new paradigm entirely. I'm hungry.

I am too soft. Squishy, amorphous, I don't hold my shape. My container is busted. Show me contrast, oh Universe. Show me more contrast please. I can't complain. I needn't. I threw the dice because I wanted to play to win a prize. We do this sometimes, and that is okay. How else do we learn? Nobody will understand this, except for Erin, if she asks me for an explanation.

Fourth chakra is very tense. remember! remember what was learned today: Dain's astute honesty. her compassion. the youtube mix she emailed to me. Erin's calm insight guidance on the phone. it's no accident that this week's Presence Process focus is on forgiveness. Remember Sun Point farm, the chicken coop, the quiet circle of friends, the shared kindness, the high level of consciousness (my fav word)/conscientiousness (E's fav word). Cease these mind games, this pretense, this divorce from Presence. the question is: what do you want?

what do I want?
forgiveness is the consciousness that all anger is merely arrogance
all that is not love is a cry for love
why do I hold this anger so tightly, feed it so lushly, compact it in a fizzing square block of energy
"your attention is so powerful i can tell from across the room where you're directing it"
if my attention is so powerful, then how powerful is my ego the vacuum for attention?
what can be MORE powerful than this ego?

here I am: in this box, in this box of boxes, in a grid, in a city built upon the Earth, which is just like me: nurturing and wounded. Glorify compassion by all means. Worship unconditional love but if you nurse your wounds, then how unconditional is your love? Mere hypocrisy it becomes. Some wounds can only be healed by shifting the power of this powerful attention I was complimented upon to what is not wounded. To what is whole and holy and good. Sane. What one may gladly aspire to. And I go chasing after an experience in Lowell what for? I want to attract something higher, even higher, yet I wonder at my arrogance and lack of acceptance.

I need more experience, more life and less thought. Repetitive endless looping boring thoughts. Drop. let the bottom drop out. cling to nothing. oh these ideals...nothing is as beautiful as perfect, unattainable ideals. watching, watching my mind again this time, hello mind. how it clings to pleasure and pushes away pain, the "drunken dance of ego"

oh butterfly when will you learn. savor pleasure but don't try to hold on to it. it has no more substance than (heat in my heart. numbness is an invitation to explore) well, the moment it is in. pain, embrace. all pain must be embraced as pleasure is always embraced, the welcome daughter. do not. i repeat. do not trust anyone who doesn't understand this. those who can't accept pain into their hearts...you know this...don't put your trust into them, ever again. that is the silken trap they invite you: come, come and dance with us. come join our blissful ego dance that always ends in flames. oh, you know this, but forgot again

the dance macabre. the hypocritical dance. the dance of lovely avoidance. oh rujing...don't do this. you will surely break my heart. if you know and you ignore what you already know and have suffered so much to learn. clarify: i feel discomfort. i choose to ignore discomfort and try to sedate it instead of feeling and facing. result: thoughts and emotions get stronger, body awareness weaker. But I already know what will happen! if I ignore and choose to sedate the discomfort, instead of honest-to-goodness feeling and processing and integrating. So why do I chase that particular rabbit down the hole? Is the lure of ego that strong?

Yes. Dain says, human nature has something in it that is self-defeating. Hence she is only a closet-optimist, outwardly a cynic. Yes, I say. Yes! Yes, I know! I don't underestimate that force. It gets the better of me all the time! But here's the rub. It's an illusion. Only love is real. What is love anyway? I'd like to find out fully. Illusion on one hand (fear). Love (the energy) on the other.

I need to meditate more on love. That much is clear. My outdated notions on what it is are threatening to revolt. I've experienced love. At Dahn MuDo School. In meditation. After yoga in Amherst that one time. other places too. Love is the opening of your heart. I experience it all the time. Joyful, can be. Painful and difficult and heart-rending often. Actually, now that I do think on it: I experience it all the time. To different degrees and intensities. Yes, it's troublesome that English has only one word for love (as opposed to other cultures where there are many for the many different kinds).

sigh. Love is the foundation upon which fear spreads its tenterhooks. Without love, there is no Universe, and hence no fear, no illusion without reality, how could there be illusion? Right now, sitting here typing, I can feel, mixed in with the cool blessedness of reality, the tense tight clutchings of fear, making my shoulder joints stick and my heart unhappy. focus on fear and you will feel it. now stop.

stop focusing on fear. focus instead on the expansiveness, breathe deeply and evenly. feel where you are calm...see how fear creeps in? now focus on the deep breathing calm, but relax into the fear can you hold both at once?

I didn't even know I was dancing the danse macabre, the drunken foolish dance, so entranced was I by the colors, the textures, the softness. i didn't even realize who my partner was in this dance, so blinded by illusions and visions of a primordial beauty the beauty that resides in me, oh! in many many places and people and trees and...but primarily in me. I didn't see the fires, the danger, ignored all the warning signs well, I was headed down this road the entire time, destined to crash and burn once again, this time on the mental realm (can this be the last please? we've had physical and emotional already) Your body has been purified. Your wound has been healing because you loved yourself back to life. oh, I did, didnt I? that was no dream. And now your mind is clearing. now to move on to the real work: how to pick up my life and live it. how to choose my present transmuting into my future, laughing away the ghosts of the past.

savor the sweetness of this moment. savor the taste of your courage and devotion and hope. the work you have done...to reach this moment, your clean body and clear psyche and the presence of mind you now have, how effortlessly you shrug off the demons of the past now, the knowledge wisdom you've accumulated and attained. it's your choice, always your choice. you have all these riches, tools, guides and aids how fully will you use them? people flock to your side to help you. your friends show you their most beautiful, serene, kind, and useful faces. such friends you have. no wonder the false gods are jealous. the entirety of the Universe is serving you because you have dedicated your life to service. you have your clean sweet breath.

I have no respect for the actions of people who avoid their pain. I have no respect for my actions when I am trying to avoid feeling the pain that is already there. I do not honor them. Thus, there is no need for anger. Anger reflects that you take something seriously, that it has seriously hurt you. But how can my soul be hurt by simple illusions? Or even gruesomely complex ones? Instead, I have compassion for them and me. I am so glad a clean death has been died inside of me finally. Life is endlessly mysterious and beautiful and wonderful, and I open myself to new experiences. I open myself to following the call of my heart as it pulls me along in this rushing tide...endlessly...I open to the manifestation of my dreams...I will live with Erin. We will study in Sweden. I will hold someone in my arms and be held. I will dance and sing and joyous effervesce and express...play the violin virtuostically deep...I will create the world that I long to live in with every thought, word, action, deed, every motion, every heartbeat, every breath.

I will laugh in the face of danger, knowing the flames are colored tissue paper merely and the monsters are only wearing masks.

I will laugh until the flames are doused and the monsters sheepishly remove their masks and make my way into the embrace of the Universe and its core of Love.

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